So Your Mom Wants to Start Watching Game of Thrones: Now What?
So your mom, in a desperate attempt to connect with you before you’re away at school chugging PBRs in your friend’s dorm room and she’s sitting at home knitting you a sweater for Christmas, asked what your favorite TV show was. And you, too hungover from the darty you “threw” yesterday with the hometown friends you only hang with so you aren’t drinking alone, told her it was Game of Thrones.
And now, SHE WANTS TO WATCH IT TOO.
Yes. Your mom, the woman whose eyes watched you grow from a wee lad/lass and bankrolls a majority of your life, wants to watch the ongoing dungeons and dragons porno that you hold so near and dear to your dick heart known as Game of Thrones. And you need a way out. Here are your options…
1. Let her watch it.*
She is a grown up after all. It’s not like she doesn’t know what sex is (or you wouldn’t exist); she is entitled to watch whatever she likes. Once she watches it and appreciates its “sensitive nature”, she will never bring it up at Thanksgiving or yell about it at the grocery store.
2. A la Kevin Bacon in Footloose, jump back.
Assuming you don’t have a warehouse to do angry gymnastics in, you’re not going to be able to work out a way to bring dancing back to town. What I’m trying to say is, there’s no way in hell you’re ever going to truthfully explain to your mom why she shouldn’t watch it and have her accept that gracefully. Your only hope is to backtrack.
“Game of Thrones? What? I didn’t say Game of Thrones. I said Modern Family. Did that sound like Game of Thrones? Wow mom, you should get your hearing checked. Gettin old.”
This very well may result in your getting yelled at for five to ten minutes about how your mom isn’t old and why women lie about their age and how taxing menopause can be, but that is a slap on the wrist compared to the verbal waterboarding that would be your life if she ever saw Game of Thrones.
3. Spin yourself a tall tale.
Ah, lying. The proverbial Excalibur for teens and young adults who’ve been caught in bad situations, lying can be your best friend or worst enemy depending on your skill and dexterity in wielding it. You could probably say just about anything. The show got cancelled. The Paleo Diet you’re on doesn’t allow you to watch television anymore since it didn’t exist in the time of the Neanderthals. You gave it up for Lent.** Ozzy Osbourne appeared to you in a dream and told you to only watch re-runs of Hannah Montana from now on. Just... make shit up.
4. Run away.
Retreat to your room, pack a bag, leave the house, and break all ties with your mother and your entire family in order to avoid this conversation. Seemingly your most viable option.
Or, you could just not be stupid enough to tell your mom you watch Game of Thrones.
P.S. This article also applies to Orange is the New Black.
~The Infinite Guest
*Hint hint - Don’t do this you dipshit, because she’ll be traumatized and will probably put your hometown preacher/rabbi on a plane to NU the next day to come and cleanse you. Good luck getting laid after that.
**Only effective during or just before Lent.