Never Fear: Northwestern’s Sk8r Lesbians are Not Here to Steal your Girlfriend’s Virginity
Their shirts are three sizes too big, their Vans are one failed kick-flip from falling apart, and their jeans are distressed from the years of painting, construction, and sanding that some other guy did before he donated them to Goodwill.
They are the worst enemy for any straight man with a girlfriend who looks a little too confident wearing his borrowed clothes. The sight of them barreling down Sheridan with their men’s haircuts (courtesy of Jewel at Floyd’s Barbershop) makes you want to leap chivalrously to protect your girl from the mere sight of their Carhartt beanies. After all, she’s been so insistent about preserving her purity “for the right time,” and you've been so patient and supportive, even though you still don’t see why drunk at 3 a.m. while her roommate snored across the room wasn’t “the right time.” But these glorified girl-boys are just too powerful. One “hey” in that suspiciously raspy voice could have her American Eagle men’s boxers dropping before she even knows it.
Not that you should worry. Your girlfriend couldn’t possibly be gay, right? Sure, she listened to Dodie Clark in middle school, but that’s only because she wanted to learn to ukulele. And never mind that she reaches for your boobs more than you do for hers during your rare make-out sessions. Those mascs’ milkers are so tightly bound underneath their grandpa sweaters that they might as well not have them either.
Listen. As a lesbian myself, I’ll tell you the same thing that your hippie friend’s mom told you when you were seven and saw her home-grown kombucha cultures slowly gaining sentience in the fridge: If you leave them alone, they’re not gonna hurt you. They might look like they’re munching carpet on the reg, but don’t be fooled. The battery on their remote-control skateboard lasts far longer than the one on their Target-brand pink silicone bullet vibrator.
And it’s time we addressed the infamous rumors surrounding “The Backpack.” If you aren’t familiar, “The Backpack” is an affectionate name for the (usually black) backpack where lesbians keep their arsenal of sex toys for easy transport to the houses of your moms and sisters. In reality, this is an outdated phrase. The only things they’re carrying in those bags are a tricked-out iPad with a few pride stickers on it and excessive copies of various Judith Butler essays printed out by whichever bald, gay, sarcastic Gender & Sexuality Studies professor was chosen to teach Sexuality Studies that quarter.
These days, you really should be looking out for the ones with inconspicuous yet trendy canvas tote bags. There’s a 10-incher in there. Guaranteed.
Anyways, I hope that this eases your anxiety about a harmless little turbo-the-snail stealing your girl’s precious chastity. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I should warn them about your girlfriend coming to take theirs.
