5 Perfect Times to Come Out to Your Extended Family This Thanksgiving
1. While everyone’s watching football
Everyone’s gathered around the TV, and hopefully they’ve started drinking. When a big play is made, joins the cheers and scream, “I KNOW I ONLY SEE YOU GUYS A FEW TIMES A YEAR BUT YOU ALL MEAN A LOT TO ME AND I WANTED TO TELL YOU THAT I AM ACTUALLY GAY!” There, that was so easy. Only Great-Uncle Victor heard you, and he hasn’t spoken a word since Aunt Donna passed.
Pro: Uncle Victor’s a real one
Con: forever associating your queerness with the toxic masculinity of football
2. When estranged Cousin Patrick shows up and everyone freaks out
No one’s heard from Patrick in like 2 years, besides Victor, who, as you know, has not spoken a word since Aunt Donna passed. He has a prominent neck tattoo of an Ace of Diamonds now, so while his mother screams at him that he’ll never get a food service job again, just toss in a few words about how you’ve really learned a lot about yourself during your first semester at college but that you’re still the same kid they know and love.
Pro: Patrick’s neck tattoo is just as permanent as your sexuality
Con: Patrick’s probably pretty homophobic, and he’s definitely angry-high right now
3. When Grandma’s cataracts is too severe for her to slice the turkey
It’s a long-honored tradition that Grammy cut the bird, but if she wasn’t able to get her license renewed, should she really be handling a pulsating serrated knife? No, she shouldn’t, so give her a hand with that, and while you’re at it, give your impatiently waiting relatives a hand with understanding that sexuality is actually a spectrum and that queerness has existed since the beginning of time.
Pro: You’ll already look heroic for keeping Gram Gram’s fingie’s intact
Con: You’ll be shaking from nerves, so you might cut off your own fingies
4. When your uncles decide it’s acceptable to smoke at the dinner table
In her e-vite, Aunt Elaine specifically stated that this was a smoke-free house now, and that all smoking could be done on the back porch. But your uncles don’t respect women when they’re sober, so after a six-pack of Bud there’s no shot. While your 8-year old cousin with asthma frantically looks for her inhaler and Aunt Elaine disowns her brothers for the third time this year, show everyone some photos of you and your new boy/girlfriend, and while you’re at it, let em know you exclusively Juul.
Pro: Aunt Elaine’s not gonna disown her brothers and you in the same night, right?
Con: Fuck, your cousin can’t find her inhaler
5. When, as you’re saying goodbye, Granddaddy implies that your mom’s to blame for your parents’ divorce, even though he doesn’t even have all the facts
I mean, no one tells Granddaddy anything anymore, because, like, why would they? But still, how could he have the gall to say, “I’m sure your mom had her reasons for what she did,” as you’re putting on your coat?! Old bastard, mom’s literally a saint for dealing with this mess of a family for 17 years. Let’s see what his colored commentary is when you tell him you’re GaAaAyYyY now and, yeah FULL-ON GAY, Granddaddy, with the sex and everything. See you in a fuckin year, maybe.
Pro: Granddaddy’s an old bastard and he deserves to know it
Con: You won’t be getting a savings bond for your birthday this year
I mean, hey. You could just un-block all your cousins on facebook, post some gay shit and let them tell everyone for you, but where’s the fun in that? Let’s make this Turkey Day gay.