MOD “No Name Cake” Named! It’s Ethan.

I’ve never had a name before. The MOD CEO told me I was called “No Name Cake” because “you’re so yummy you don’t even need a name.” I believed him. I trusted him. I loved him. He told me everyone would be willing to spend dining dollars on me- that I was the cat’s pajamas! 

But these kids run out of dining dollars before they even step through the arch, and cats don’t wear pajamas.

Every day, I’ve watched as the Northwestern students get their wacky pizzas for meal exchanges, and no one looks at me. They barely even know I exist. I’m like the girl at school who wears a ponytail and glasses and is therefore scum. You know that girl? That scum girl? I’m like her. While underclassmen ask for pineapple, spicy sausage, banana peppers, and broccoli (on WHITE SAUCE) without ANY legal repercussions, I am left all alone, cream-filled, and sad. I don’t think anyone out there can relate to this. Not one person. No one has ever been cream-filled and sad before. Not ever.

I’m tired of being ignored. It’s time for me to take up space. I’m ready to speak up, to be an individual, to be autonomous. Establishing my individuality starts with having a name.

How did I land on Ethan? That’s simple: everyone is called Ethan. There is an ongoing infestation of Ethans at Northwestern. There’s the Ethan in your psych lecture, the Ethan you keep running into at parties, the Ethan from your PA group, the Ethan that lives under your bed and eats the dead skin cells you shed at night. Your girlfriend of two years is breaking up with you. You’re blindsided. She says she’s found someone else. It’s always Ethan. Everyone is Ethan. Your parents are Ethan. Your Ethan is Ethan. Ethan Ethan Ethan Ethan Ethan. One day, an Ethan bites you, and you could’ve sworn that it didn’t break the skin. But the next day you wake up and feel different. You rush to the bathroom and look in the mirror. You’ve transformed. You have brown hair. You are Ethan. 

So yeah I think this change will encourage people to eat me more. New Year, new me!