Worst of Evanston 2021
Worst Place to Lose your Novelty Vintage Lunch Box: Cozy Noodles and Rice
You guys wouldn’t believe this shit. I had just found the coolest vintage Thomas the Tank Engine lunch box, perfect to display as a collector's item in my home. All I wanted was to make a quick stop for a tasty fast-casual Thai lunch before heading home. I must have put the lunchbox down for a second, and now I can’t find it anywhere. It’s like looking for a needle in a haystack, or a vintage lunch box in a full-wall vintage lunch box display. At least I still have that cool license plate I finally collected—Wait. Shit.
Nobody, nobody, nobody, nobody, nobody, nobody, nobody, nobody, nobody, noooo
Worst Kisser on Campus: The Bust of Lester J. Norris
Everyone's been there. You're standing in line at Norbucks and you make eye contact with the handsome stranger across the room. Instantly, a spark. But you play it cool and look away. You can feel his eyes still looking at you though, so you casually bump into him while perusing the newspaper stand. Being a man of substance, he doesn't move an inch. "Hey. Didn't see you there." you say casually. He's silent. The brooding type. "I see you're rather bookish" you say, pointing towards his frames. He doesn't respond, as if to say something hot like: "Yes." Tired of playing games, you go straight for the jugular and put your mouth on his. "Kiss me Lester!" How could you not with a name like that? Yet, he offers nothing back. His lips are cold like marble, and his eyes remain detached, as if they were made of marble. Ugh. Talk about a dead fish.
Carrie Bradshawshankredemption
Best Hidden Gem: Shepard Basement Coffee Pisser
For just one damp, scrunched-á-la-scrotum American dollar, Shepard residents can get lukewarm coffee in a styrofoam cup any time of night. Simply punch in your order and watch this pre-Reagan behemoth shudder, piss, shit, scream, and finally spit out your caffeine fix. This vending machine is like a Matthew McConaughey Lincoln car commercial: greasy, yet classic.
Tonight tonight there's a rooftop party on top of your mom
Worst Place to Make a Decision: Crossroads
I arrived at the Evanston Crossroads hoping to escape my personal problems in the endless rack of men’s coats. But where was I left instead? Smack dab in the middle of my ethical dilemmas. I sure as hell didn’t know how to pick between my mom and my dad during the divorce, and shopping here certainly DID NOT HELP. Even worse, when I called my best friend to get his opinion saying “I am alone at a crossroads,” he thought I was quoting Beyonce lyrics to him. He sang the rest of the song to me while I stood in the store and cried.
Boner Iver
Worst Time to Take an Edible: 5 minutes before Math 230-2 Multivariable Integral Calculus Wednesday Week 6
Seriously guys don’t do this one. You’ll think you have it easy after the midterm but it’ll hit during the introduction of Lagrange multipliers, and you'll hallucinate the girl two rows in front of you with spiky green hair turning into a giant murderous porcupine slug. In a frenzied panic, you’ll leave the classroom and will inevitably miserably fail the final without a foundational knowledge of integrating optimization and global constraints with multivariable scalar functions. Or maybe just have one instead of the whole bag.
Mozilla FireFoxface from District 5 of the Hunger Games
Best Way to Make Friends and No Money: Being a Peer Advisor
Spend a week welcoming freshmen and giving students the gift of guidance and mentorship! Paid minimum wage (1 friend/ hr) of course! Your board group will be your friends for life! Josh Mackenzie haha he’s so fun and silly! Don’t question it- there are 15 people that want your job (: I said. Be quiet. Hush.
Gorgeous Bisexual Leftist
Worst Place to Get the Middle of a Book: Bookends and Beginnings
Winter. I dusted off my riding boots and took an Uber into town with the hopes of getting my fingies on a fresh copy of Tina Fey’s Bossypants. Alas, I arrived at Bookends and Beginnings and locked eyes with ol’Bossypants. But when I grabbed it, it was empty. That’s right, no pages. Just cover and other cover. Fluke, I thought. So I picked up another one. Hollow. Another. No meat. I began picking up other books. All empty. Sure, some had an About the Author Section or an Epilogue, but no drama. No umph. No zhuzh. I have been in here for years now. The only person who works here is a cat. I am feral. I just want a book with meat.
Flicking the smol bean
Ritziest Spot to Cunnilingize the Menopausal: Woman’s Club of Evanston
Every townie can picture it: it’s late Thursday night, you’re walking Chicago Ave. You pass by the Woman’s Club and avert your gaze, but they’ve already got you. Esther, their leader, for her seniority, stands at the doorway and requests your entrance. You try resisting, but you know what you want. They drape you in silk, pattern your neck with jewels. Starved and delirious you sit there and they let you have them, and you are entirely weightless.
Neutral Milk Hotel For Dogs
Worst Place to Buy a Bra for your Small Titty GF: D&Ds
Shoppers beware! This place's bra sizes make no sense. They start at double D and go up to Twisted Tea 6 pack before finally reaching their max at tallboy Electric Lemon Four Loko. Incredibly disheartening for those not breastically-inclined.
That one kid from high school who is now in flight school
Worst Kept Greek Life Secret: NU TRI DELT BOUGHT 1500 INSTAGRAM FOLLOWERS 2 YEARS AGO AFTER EVERYONE DROPPED
We sent in an undercover investigative Medill blonde to get confirmation from sorority exec, but since she’s been back she hasn’t really spoken much. She just sort of huddles in the corner shaking and sobbing all the time. She’s also been ripping out her hair in chunks and just sits in this pile of ripped up knots of hair. And sometimes she eats it. She did tell us that over half of the bedrooms in the house are occupied by old old women that may or may not be the Harpies of Greek Mythology (she signed an NDA so she can’t confirm) and that they circle around the dining room at meal times and snatch carbs off of the girls plates. Between coughing up hair balls, she said that when they found out two of the sisters were fucking on the DL, they organized a chapter wide stoning because lesbians aren’t allowed in the new Tri Delt. But I mean, come on, how do you lose 95% of your members and also go from 300 to 2000 followers in the same 4 day span?
Papa John Misty
Worst Place for Four Jews to Live: Church Street
Myself and my three Jewish roommates were looking for a cheap apartment downtown, and ended up finding this perfect place in our budget on Church St. But after we moved in, weird shit started happening all around the place. Someone left us a pamphlet about nose jobs in our mailbox. Our neighbor brought cookies to our housewarming party but asked if it was okay that they weren’t kosher. There also was a terrible gas leak that took forever to get fixed. Overall not a great experience living there, won’t be renewing our lease in the new year—despite our landlord texting us “Shaneh Tove” on January 1st.
Boner Iver
Best Parkour Gym in Evanston: The Abandoned Urban Outfitters
It’s always a sad day when your favorite lifestyle retailer dedicated to inspiring customers through a unique combination of product, creativity and cultural understanding goes under. But worry not! Every recession has a silver lining! While you may not be able to buy a $49.99 tank from your favorite brand “Kimchi Blue” anymore, you can flex your semimembranosus in Evanston’s newest, hottest attraction: Parkour Couturier! Managed by one 23 year-old with a rattail, you can finally vault, tumble and climb over those smooth concrete slabs like you’ve always wanted to. And you don’t even need to worry about the $10 smiley-sunflower-patterned thongs you’d stuffed into your bag falling out!
(I) sl(am)med s(hard)s of glass into the b(right)est girl I k(now)
Worst “Best of Evanston 2013” Winner: Campus Gear
That place is scary. I heard a story about a guy who got lost in there for two weeks and had to eat competitively priced sweatpants in order to survive. Rumor has it, he got his arm caught between two sale racks and had to saw through the bone with a “Go Cats!” pocket knife. Anyway, they still have a sticker on their door that says they won Best of Evanston in 2013. Turns out that the Daily has had poor judgment for a while now.
Clungebob
Worst Place to Buy a Dildo: Bennison’s Bakery
I used to go to this spot to get sweet treats, and what’s sweeter than a cute little climax? However, the structural integrity of their baguettes could not handle this gorilla grip coochie.
Joan Q Sac
Worst Place to Vomit: The Willie the Wildcat Mascot Head
Alright so you got a little high before your first day as Willie, big whoop, we’ve all been there. You do your little song and dance, jerk off the big donors at the big game, and flash Willie’s peepee at the pep squad (who cares). Aw, fuck, now you’re puking through the mascot’s eyes, idiot. One thing leads to another, badda bing badda boom, and you’re stuck working for a closeted bisexual man with mommy issues. Tale as old as time.
Big Queef
Most Misleading Thing on Campus When You’re Trying to Find a Place to Park: The Garage
To prospective families who have been in the car for three hours arguing while frantically looking for parking so that they can get to their tour that started 20 minutes ago, it seems like an option. To me, it is the type of poor naming choice that would result in driving through the doors with my sweet ‘77 Firebird. The good news is I don’t have a driver's license. The bad news is I got my driver’s license taken away because I rammed through the doors of Northwestern’s premier startup space with my sweet ‘77 Firebird. From my perspective, if your business can’t survive your CFO being hit with my sweet ‘77 Firebird, you wouldn’t make it in the real world. How am I in the wrong here?
Clungebob
Worst Place to Study the Blade: Evanston Time and Glass Museum
This one should be self explanatory… bringing your katana into a museum full of, umm, glass and shit? Poor idea. Recipe for glass in the ass. Shards in the nards. Don't do it. If you really need a practice space, do us all a favor and try Norbucks at 3pm on a Friday.
Anime Swift
