Worst of Evanston 2018
Before the land was stolen from the indigenous people who lived here, Evanston was largely swampy forest. Fast forward to 2018 and our shining city is still a swampy forest, metaphorically. The only establishment open past sunset is a Burger King that doubles as an unsanctioned pharmacy for any drug you can think of. Rent is unimaginably high, probably because landlords realize the city is 20% rich children who aren’t responsible for their own finances. There’s a Target now, which is cool, but they decided to put a CVS in it, which means our beloved Sherman Ave CVS will soon close. There is no love without pain in this armpit of Chicago.
The writers of Sherman Ave have ventured out into the city in all cardinal directions (except West, which, as we’ll explain below, is the worst cardinal direction) to find the bottom of the barrel of Evanston. It really was not that difficult. If anything, it was a firm reminder to get the hell out of here as fast as you can. Here are the worst of the worst:
Worst Place to Feel Dry: Unicorn Café
This air in here produces the most gradual and delicate waterboarding you will ever experience. Just look at the water streaks on windows, they speak/cry for themselves. Fun game: see how long you and your friends can stay in this swamp without passing out. Winner gets more table space!
~Puff the Magic Daddy
Worst Place for Urgent Medical Care: Christian Science Reading Room, 1936 Central Street
Talk about a disappointment! This location was once the gold standard for faith-based medicine in Evanston - now, they "encourage" patrons to seek "real" medical care instead of providing potentially life-saving prayer to the sick and needy! Yuck. What's next, mandatory vaccines for our kids? Next time you are facing a life-threatening ailment, try the Mormon Church up the road instead. (2727 Lake Ave, Wilmette)
Worst Student Organization Merch: NU Kink Education Society's Strap-Ons
Disclaimer: Sherman Ave is totally supportive of people's right to schtup in their own unique ways. The heart wants what the heart wants. BUT it was a little startling to see members of Northwestern's Kink Education Society walk around the student center with matching strap-ons. They were a huge distraction. I mean HUGE. There I was, trying to focus on looking busy but approachable at Norris, when WHAM I almost get my head knocked off by a giant rubber phallus. You'd think after multiple members injured themselves while wearing their personalized blindfolds on campus they'd be a little more careful, but nope.
Worst Friend: Stephen
The once-great Stephen has become a massive disappointment in the friendship department. With new additions that he clearly thought would make improvements, such as a 12-hour delay between text responses and constantly blowing you off to hang out with his girlfriend, Stephen has taken himself from a top-five caliber friend to the bottom of the barrel. The same man you used to be able to count on for a nice chat and some music recommendations at the end of a long day now somehow has "an important job interview" every night at 9 pm. Hopefully, these changes are just temporary, because we'd love to see Stephen in his former glory again! Please come back, Stephen.
~Justin Jackson the Small Terrier
Worst Global Hub: Kellogg
I’m just not sure I get what all the fuss is about. I get that it “looks nice” and “has a great view,” but this is a supposed to be GLOBAL HUB. How dare you call it a Global Hub when you won’t even let undergraduates in. What even is a hub anyway. And why is it all glass? Whatever happened to a little privacy? If you’re going to sit there in your glass tower and tell me that it costs “250 million dollars,” you can, but I’m certainly not going to believe it. Global Hub, more like Humble Shrub.
Worst Place to Get Broken Up With: Bobb 337
By far the worst place to get broken up with, and I saw my cousin get left at the altar. The sticky floors. The unidentified stain on the duvet. The ironic/unironic Endless Summer Poster clinging to the wall. When Kieran told me we were over, he broke my heart. When he told me in Bobb 337, he broke my soul.
Worst Cardinal Direction: West
We can get into this ridiculous North/South debate all we want but it’s clear that in terms of directions, North and South are top tier compared to their East/West counterparts. This begs the question, in the battle for irrelevancy, which direction loses, East or West. Wast features all of off-campus, Tomate, and a majority of the United States of America. Eest, however, is home of our beloved lakefill, as well as the entire eastern seaboard. And Norris. Norris is fun?
Worst On-Campus Ghost: Joseph Medill
I used to think that death brought you peace until I met this hardo. He keeps waltzing through locked doors to ask me for a 30-minute interview about my first-year experience. If I have to listen to him scream the same 1899 Spanish-American War breaking news update at the top of his lungs through the Fisk basement one more time, I'm just going to transfer to comm studies on the spot.
Worst Police Blotter Report: $10 of Quarters Stolen from Car
As far as Evanston crime goes, this one is a fucking snooze-fest. To whatever lameass broke into a car for loose change, what were you going to do with it? Buy yourself lockjaw amounts of gumballs? Splurge on wash AND dry cycles? Spit them bullet-seed style at the ducks in Lake Michigan? Unless you’re planning on putting those quarters in a tube sock and smashing the SoulCycle window, I don’t want to hear about it.
~The Mad Bladder
Worst Place to Pee: My Bed
I used to think there was nothing worse than having to get out of bed to pee. Until I decided to try peeing the bed. At first, I thought it would be convenient to not have to move, but boy oh boy was I wrong. First, the wetness. I thought it would absorb right into my mattress pad, but let me tell you, it does not. It takes at least a full day to dry. Next, there's the smell. You don’t realize how bad your pee smells until you’re marinating in it for hours in your bed. Febreeze did NOT eliminate the odor as the CVS salesman promised. Which leads to my next point- should you choose to wash your sheets after, that’s a whole trip OUT OF BED and downstairs to the washing machines- counterproductive if you ask me! Next time I plan on peeing the bed, I’ll be sure to wear an adult diaper.
~Rick Bayless' Mistress
Worst Wurst: Bratwurst at Brad Worth's Bratwursts
Every time I have the Bratwurst at Brad Worth's Bratwursts, I wish I hadn't with all I'm worth. Those that work at Worth's Wursts burst with the worst odors on earth. Once on one such brat, I found a wart on the Wurst so big I spat. And the toppings--the toppings, they just don't work! Ice cream on sausage, what's up with that? Without a whiff of doubt, Worth's Wursts are the Worst Wursts in Evanston, and I doubt there's a worse Wurst in any other town.
Worst Chairs: Kafein
Being one of two coffee shops in Evanston open after 10:00 pm comes with major responsibilities and apparently none of those responsibilities are providing comfortable seating. Just to be clear, the issue is not a lack of variety. Kafein lets you choose whether you want to sit on a sticky, slatted bench, a chair with different sized legs, or even an armchair that is 6 feet away from any table in the establishment. While you’re deciding which throne you want, you can go ahead and use the time to contemplate what the tip is on a $2.50 sitting fee. Because yeah. The coffee shop with 40 different and uniquely uncomfortable chairs is also the one place in Evanston that charges for sitting. Hop in on a Monday to catch one of their sweet open mics, which in my experience generally includes racist stand up and out-of-tune acoustic bass guitar music.
~Ladysmith Black-Tar-Heroin M’baso
Worst Bunny: Randy
He lives off of Emerson just north of the SRAT quad and he's constantly harassing everyone who walks by. Literally, he's so full of himself. Like he straight up memorized my class schedule so he can hop in front of me when I'm walking and start insulting my fashion taste and it gets real personal. I've never met such a disrespectful small mammal before. I think he also stole my Juul bc I saw rabbit footprints but he keeps denying it.
Worst Subway: Any Subway That’s Not In Norris
Worst Water Fountain: University Hall Floor 2
Worst Dimension: 2nd
Worst Blaze Pizza That's Not Actually Blaze Pizza: The Kiln
Worst Piece of Campus Decor: Willard Outdoor Fire Pit
Worst Coffee from Seattle: Seattle’s Best
Worst Day of the Week: Theta Thursday
Worst Instagram Model: Morton Schapiro
Worst Superlative: Best