Worst of Evanston 2017
The Sherman Ave writing team got together to make a list of the worst people/places/things in the area for our first ever Worst of Evanston guide. While we agree that this city is an overall fiery hellhole, we've picked a few especially awful aspects of this modern day Sodom and/or Gomorrah that stand out for being complete and utter garbage. We hope it helps!
Worst Panera in Evanston: Panera
The worst Panera in Evanston is without a doubt Panera. Compared to the other local Paneras, of which there are none, Evanston's Panera is an embarrassment. Other local Paneras do not charge 12 dollars for a bowl of romaine lettuce because they do not exist. It is impossible to hate yourself after eating a cinnamon roll at any of the other Paneras in town because they are simply not there. This Panera is so bad, it is worse than not having Panera.
Worst Restaurant Decor: Found Kitchen and Social House.
What did I find at Found? The contents of a rich but tasteless old gay man’s living room, poor lighting, and a small cluttered bathroom. It takes more than exposed brick and some upholstered vintage to make a restaurant stylish. It seems like Found really needs to find themselves, or else they’ll find me incapacitated on a velvet chaise lounge. Cause of death? Aesthetic deprivation.
Worst Public Fixture: The Fountains Downtown
These things are only kept on for like two months a year and they're the most significant, predominant public installation in downtown Evanston. Whenever I have someone visit out of town and we walk by the fountains, they're just really confused as to why someone drained several swimming pools, filled them with heroin needles, and then threw a party there and only invited the homeless and one weird theater student smoking a cigarette.
Worst Evanston Elementary School: New Trier.
Hear me out, New Trier isn't bad, but when you've got ETHS right down the road, why bother? At ETHS, the jocks are stronger, the preps are hotter, and the nerds are nerdier. Plus it's close to Chicago so it's kind of best of both worlds.
Worst Place to Eat if You Hate Throwing Up: Dave's Italian Kitchen.
The first time I ate at Dave's Italian Kitchen was with my parents and my horrible boyfriend who only ate pasta and Chips Ahoy cookies. It was a tense meal. I ordered cheese lasagna, and midway through dinner, my stomach told me that I would be taking a little trip to Vomit City later that night. I threw up in the bathroom of his frat house while he watched Master and Commander a few rooms over. The second and final time I ate at Dave's Italian Kitchen I ordered the calamari with a white wine sauce. It also made me throw up. What the fuck. Calamari and lasagna are SO DIFFERENT. I thought I was safe, but you know what they say: Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, I hope Dave's Italian Kitchen burns to the goddamn ground.
Worst Recurring Nightmare: I’m in this dark room and I hear something…
...It’s like talking but it’s not exactly talking. It’s garbled and electronic. Is this the Tron universe I've always wanted to inhabit? I try to stand up but I can’t. A hand pushes me back down, “Not yet” they hiss. Who is they? I don’t know. I hear screams, high-pitched and short. I try to make out what they are saying. After what seems like a lifetime of agony I can finally decipher the code. “Go U” they yell. “Go U Northwestern” Oh no. “Get me out of here! The hot dogs are too expensive!!!” But it's too late. A plush head is forced onto my oblong skull and I cry out for Morty’s dogs to save me but there's no way. I wake up drenched in my own sweat.
~Rich Homie Gina
Worst Drug Front: JT's/Las Marias/Sam's Chicken and Ribs
This was by far the easiest lock on this list. People who have never even done drugs knew these restaurants were/are drug fronts. JT's was, for a long time, the worst restaurant in Evanston, and that's saying something. The only reason it became an institution was 1. It was open late and 2. Drugs. JT's closed and reopened as Las Marias. Instead of the intended Mexican food concept, it was more of a Mexican cartel concept. I never saw anyone eat there except many of the community’s best low-level drug dealers. The current incarnation, known as Sam's Chicken and Ribs, continues the legacy of barely trying to disguise the storefront drug operation.
Worst Use of Daddy's Money: Brew Bike
When it comes to using daddy’s money to buy whatever it is we please, there is no worse investment than a slow-moving bike that carries around iced bitter brown water. It’d be cool if the bike actually chilled the coffee, but it just kinda holds it, which really seems like a lost opportunity. Though the idea is cooler than the execution, they now opened a pop-up shop that totally abandons the initial selling point of selling coffee from an expensive bike. But it’s run by students so that’s neat.
Worst Place to Have an Intellectual Conversation: Unity Preschool.
If you’re a normal guy like me looking to discuss fiscal irresponsibility, 20th century geopolitical warfare, and the impact of the Swiss franc on the Mexican avocado market, then do not, I repeat: DO NOT go to Unity Preschool on Foster. The dare-I-say “students” there are socially-inept and mentally-incompetent beyond belief, unable to hold even the simplest of academic dialogues. I stopped by this past Monday looking for real cerebral stimulation, and all I got were empty stares, drooling faces, and a restraining order.
Worst Place to Feel Good: Life is Good Store
Established in Evanston in 2016, the Life is Good outlet store has quickly risen to its spot of “worst place to feel good” store. The store’s ambiance is reminiscent of your middle school years, painfully reminding customers of that one time you thought you were doing okay as a 13-year-old until you completely ate shit in the cafeteria and covered your new flower shirt in expired milk. And of course, Annie Molosky saw it and laughed so much that her perfect fucking Life is Good hat fell right off her head. In short, the Life is Good store blows. The only thing good about it is it’s next to Taco Bell.
~Booytlicious S. Grant
Worst Place to Shoot Heroin: Kresge 2415.
At first, I thought this spacious room would be a great spot to chase the dragon after a long week of midterms. Boy was I wrong. Turns out the surrounding rooms had all been reserved by various a capella groups. It's hard to have a bad time on heroin, but it really kills your buzz having to listen to a capella the whole time. Locy 301 is easily a better choice.
Worst Name: Evanston
Are we really happy being named after someone who only massacred 110 unarmed women and children? I think it's time for an upgrade. This spring, consider trying out some new names like Jacksonville or The Zodiac Killerton.
~President of the United States Mt. Rushmore McBaldEagle
Worst Witch: Crumpblesnap
Hark, weary reader! That which you are about to read accounts the vile, abominable actions of Crumpblesnap, the worst witch in all of Evanston. That wretched Crumpblesnap, who dwells in the labyrinthine basement of Kresge, waiting for her next evil deed. ‘Twas she who, pouring squirrel blood upon the Seal of the Weinberg Garden, who summoned the storms that drowned out Dillo 2015! ‘Twas that very sorceress, who trapped a horrified, lost student in his own WildCard picture, frozen and screaming his student ID: S4V3M3. 'Twas that self-same bride of Satan who, upon finding out there was a maiden fairer than she on campus, turned that fair lady into the ugliest monstrosity of all Northwestern: Main Library. Fear Crumpblesnap, who haunts the basement of Kresge. Cross her, and she'll cast a spell on you, even more horrible than anything described! Fear her! Fear her! AAAAAAahahahahahahaha!
Worst “Best of Evanston”: 2014
In its second year as a campus poll, the 2014 Best of Evanston list went full millennial and refused to pick winners. Instead, the Daily Northwestern opted to hand out participation trophies to the top three in each category, of which there were 25. Established don't need safe spaces! We just want to know where to shop!
Worst Stoplight: Sherman and Church
Worst Mammal: Horse
Worst Evangelical Seminary: Garrett Evangelical Seminary
Worst Intersection: Clark and Sherman
Worst Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday Night: Nevin's
Worst Northwestern Student: Whoever Gave Scottie Lindsey Mono
Worst Place to Get a Sub: Market fresh books
Worst Rock: The one that has the entire mission statement of the F15 A Capella group
2nd Worst Drug Front: Sherman Ave