Worst of Evanston 2019
Worst Greek Institution: The Classics Department
Do they have mixers? No. Do they have bar nights? No. Do they still have creepy white guys who'll stare at you in the hallway? Yup!
-President of the United States Mt. Rushmore McBaldEagle
Best Consistently Wet Window: Unicorn
Dusk to dawn, through hell and high water, it persists. It passes no judgment, it lays no claim. It is: Unicorn Cafe's wet window. It's a friendly face on your walk downtown. The droplets wave "hello" as you barrel down Sheridan, acting as a reminder of the simple power of a smile. Yet, I will never understand it - how does it occur? And why? I will forever be enchanted by its mystery. But it's worth it, it always will be. For it is the only constant in my life on this every changing campus, in this constantly spinning world.
-Bill Guy the Science Nye
Best Restaurant that Almost Sounds like Tomato: Tomate
Potato, potato. Tomato, Tomate. They're so close! And I love that about them. "Tomate" is just different enough to keep you on your toes. They subvert the norm, "flip the script" so to say. At first glance, one may think: "wow, does that say Tomato?!" But upon second glance, you realize what they've done, the clever bastards! It's hot, it's fresh, and it's memorable - just like the poop you expel moments after eating one of their burritos.
-Bill Guy the Science Nye
Best Bathroom if You Like a Poop Smell: Kresge Bathroom
Kresge is the perfect location for a pre-intro to gender studies discussion section chill sesh. If you’re a human that needs to empty things out, the main Kresge bathrooms are perfect. Even if someone hasn’t taken a Brewbike-fueled dump recently, there will still be the soft whisper of diarrhea floating in the air. Why not stay a while?
Worst Place for a Quiet, Gluten-Free Night: Rockin' Ravioli
Sometimes all a guy wants to do is stretch out his legs, read the first couple chapters of infinite jest for the 40th time, enjoy a gluten-alternative based meal, and get some damn peace and quiet around here. Whether it was the all-ravioli menu, the KISS cover band, or the KISS cover band eating the ravioli, Rockin’ Ravioli was none of those things.
-Stone Cold Stephen Aunins
Worst Place to Meet Someone, Fall in Love, Get Married, Settle Down, Buy a Home, Have a Couple Kids, and Retire Early: Evanston Taco Bell
Every night there I was, all dolled up, gordita crunch in hand, ready to meet someone, fall in love, marry rich, settle down, buy a home, have a couple kids, and retire early. And now I’ve arrived, only to find out that the Evanston Taco Bell is permanently closed? What’s a dame like me to do? Papa said the dowry won’t stretch far enough for all five of my sisters and I, so I’ve been sitting in the Taco Bell booth hoping my gentlemen-in-waiting will send a Baja Blast my way. Oh fate, you spiteful wench.
Best Comments Section if You’re Looking for Input From White Alumni Who Graduated Forty Years Ago: Daily Northwestern
If you’re like most Northwestern students you could use a bit of guidance— on your academic decisions, political beliefs, and your understanding of what college in 2019 is really like. Luckily for you, the Daily’s comments section offers valuable insight from alumni who attended school here just 40 years ago. Take some time to scroll through their opinions on issues that they have no experience with but definitely know what they’re talking about because things were done the right way when they went here in the ‘80s. There’s a world of wisdom out there!
Worst Liquor Store: Frances Willard House Museum
Nothing says exploring the archaic temperance laws that made Evanston a hellhole for all things fun like the house of the woman who helped make it happen. The museum boasts relics from the past that include: the axe Frances Willard used to destroy the first bar in Evanston, the mummified remains of past Northwestern students who decided to die of alcohol poisoning rather than go to the hospital and get snitched on to the university, and an active specimen of smallpox.
-Limp Dick Cheney
Best New Drake Album: OVO Frito
Derek's Favorite Eggs, do you love me? Say you'll never leave from beside me... Cause I want ya, and I need ya... and I'm down for you always... with a side of Spicy Chilaquiles and an iced coffee
-Limp Dick Cheney
Worst Place to Hang Out if You Hate Acapella and Boomshaka: Kresge at 10pm on a Wednesday
I went to Kresge last Wednesday evening for a quiet, peaceful night of meditation, prayer, and reading. What I found instead was a hellscape of accapella rehearsals sandwiched in between improv group rehearsal (what are they rehearsing?). The icing on the cake? All of this was going on right next to Boomshaka.
Best Pet Store: Joy Yees during the rat epidemic:
There is only one other pet shop in Evanston (Thee Fish Bowl), and here's the catch: the rats living in Joy Yee Noodle Pan Asian Cuisine are FREE. Why pay for a furry new friend when you can just stumble on back to the kitchen where the orange chicken magic happens and grab a rodent from the large bowl of Chow Mein?
-AEPI Cog in the Capitalist Machine Days
Worst Building to Park Your Chevrolet Outside of: Ford
Watch out Chevrolet owners! If you park your hot rod outside this building, the employees of Ford Motor Company Engineering Design Center will give you death stairs through the all glass facade. One even spat at me. Not worth it, just park in the bus lane like a normal person.
Worst Place for a Theological Seminary: center of Northwestern’s campus
Literally wtf. Who thought we needed that? If you want to join a weird cult like group no one sees but definitely exists, you're better off joining sailing.
Best place to Get Giardia: MOSAIC
As anti-vaccination furor in wealthy white suburbs grows, Evanston has quickly become a hotspot for contracting all kinds of diseases that would otherwise never occur in an industrialized urban environment. Mumps, croup, and scarlet fever are back, baby, and it looks like they're here to stay; but what about those few intrepid adventurers who seek to contract tropic waterborne illnesses that could easily be eliminated with a few drops of mind-control flouride? Look no further than MOSAIC, Evanston's only housing co-op and the single force uniting both white male rappers and people who were really into homestuck in middle school. Ina Garten has nothing on these barefoot hussies, and they've got the fungal colonies to prove it. Ever wanted to narrowly survive food poisoning on a diet of undercooked soy products? Then visit MOSAIC and ask for a glass of their greasiest house water. Your heart will be full, your smile will be wide, and your intestines will be blasted to smithereens.
-Pabst Blue Waffle
Best Place to Have a Loud Conversation About Something Unrelated to My Anthro Class: the row of seats behind me in my Anthro class
There's just something really comfy about the seats in Harris and the temperature's just right. It's the perfect space to plan your plane tickets and catch up on last week's formal. The professor lecturing is kind of like white noise, which is also nice!
The Worst: Evanston
-The Mad Bladder
Worst Taste: People who respond to the Daily’s polls
“Best Pizza: Blaze Pizza”; “Best Comfort Food: Chipotle”; “Best Clothing Store: Urban Outfitters”; “Best Grocery Store: Target”
-Justin Jackson the Small Terrier