An Open Letter to the Country of Belgium
Belgium, I like you. You’re a pretty dope country. You guys have fries with mayonnaise on them. Most European countries would think that’s pretty gross, but you guys get it. In the eyes of an American, Belgian is a pretty swell country. However, that opinion could change drastically on July 1st. You see, there’s a certain soccer match that our countries both have a vested interest in. My boys on the US Men’s National Team are facing your national football team for a berth in the World Cup Quarter Finals. Now, as you can probably guess, I would like it very much if the United States Men’s National Soccer Team wins that game. It would be a real shame if the USMNT was defeated and let’s say a very influential college humor publication mounted a full scale attack on the country that defeated them.
Now Belgium, I’m not suggesting that you guys throw the game or have some of your players score intentional own goals, but the aforementioned very influential college humor publication is prepared to ridicule your country for a variety of reasons. Here is a list of things they are prepared to use against you:
- You guys have three official languages. Pick one or just have no official language.
- The Treaty of Ghent ended one of the most irrelevant US wars.
- The 2008 film In Bruges depicts the Belgian city of Bruges as a shit-hole town full of snore people.
- Your King looks like some random white dude. He doesn’t even wear a crown.
- The Provinces of East and West Flanders are clear rip-offs of the character Ned Flanders.
- Your average life expectancy is nearly 80 years, so Belgian babies born recently will see the collapse of the world economy that will likely happen in the near future.
- The 1920 Summer Olympics which are widely regarded as an unworldly disaster and the worst Olympiad of all time.
And these are just things that can be gathered from pursuing your Wikipedia page for ten minutes.
So Belgium, I think we have an understanding, eh? I know very well that you’re a country that cares deeply about its image, so I suggest that you tread lightly on July 1st. Or else.