Want to have a Christmas experience like we do at the Ave?
Here are just a few things you’ll need to make sure you have a Merry Heinmas:
1. Ugly sweaters, Santa hats, and reindeer antlers
Just the basics.
Lots and lots of alcohol. You wouldn’t want to hang out with your closest friends and family sober, now would you?
3. A good present
Suggestions: leather handcuffs, a framed picture of kittens, 300 pages of your Japanese homework, porn, three copies of a book that literally nobody likes, coal.
Isn’t it so warm and toasty in this cozy apartment? It doesn’t have to be! Give your guests the greatest gift of all. (Smirnoff) Ice everyone multiple (read: at least 10) times throughout the night.
5. Someone dressed as Santa Claus
Bonus points if you convince that guy you’ve been tryna with to volunteer to wear the Santa suit. You’ll have an excellent excuse nine eggnogs in to sit on his lap and tell him exactly what you want for Christmas ;)
May we make a suggestion? Forcefully pouring peppermint schnapps and chocolate sauce down the gullets of your party-goers while they’re on their knees is a great way to get them in the holiday spirit.
7. Christmas lights and ornaments
All subliminally (or not, whatever, it’s your party) phallic shaped:
If you run out of peppermint schnapps from our earlier suggestion (see #6), we have
learned from extensive testing and firsthand experimentation heard that tequila is a delicious alternative to mix with that chocolate sauce.
9. Enough mistletoe to cover every square inch of your apartment
Or no mistletoe. Just remember that the holiday season is a time to be close to your loved ones, so make sure to mentally prepare yourself for an inexplicable amount of homoerotic tonsil hockey.
You can also use this for drinking games. One of my personal favorites: Sitting in silence ripping shots until someone works up the courage to be social, then IMMEDIATELY shooting them down and continuing the shots.
Schindler’s List soundtrack--because who isn’t sick of those Christmas tunes, am I right?
Exception: “Twerkin’ around the Christmas Tree”-- a future Christmas party favorite that should be played at least twice as many times as the holiday classic “Timber.”
“YEAH, grandma, I WILL shotgun another beer with you!!”
13. Horny Goat Weed Pills
All the biddies enjoy poppin’ these when they get holiday-turnt.
CHRISTMAS CHRISTMAS CHRISTMAS
KEG KEG KEG
Heinous holidays from the Ave.