EVANSTON, IL - Reports from Mudd Library have confirmed that the engineer hard at work this past Friday night has not yet figured out that his college years will, by default, be remembered as the highlight of his youth. The student is reportedly oblivious to the fact that in 20 years his middle-aged self will frequently reminisce about his years in college, murmuring to himself, “Those were the days,” while he gazes wistfully out the window of his office building.
The aging senior manager will then resignedly sigh as he rests his head on his hand and recalls how he used to toss the ol’ Frisbee with “the guys” on the quad before a weekend of “hittin’ the sauce,” an activity that made up less than .001% of his college career.
Through continued monitoring of the situation, it was confirmed that the student, who is not currently taking any classes “just for himself,” is unaware that in the coming decades these years of college will be retrospectively deemed the best years of his life. Speculation arose that the engineer’s current lifestyle—in which most of each day is consumed by either studying or browsing the internet—is going to put quite a bit of pressure on his 40-year-old self down the road to heavily romanticize his college experience.
As of 1:00 in the morning on Friday night, the student—who had just opened and immediately closed Facebook for the sixth time in less than 2 minutes—was neither enjoying nor even acknowledging the unprecedented level of freedom so unique to this point in his life. Multiple sources confirmed that he was certainly not taking advantage of the extremely rare situation of having thousands—“literally thousands!” his dad reported—of attractive, intelligent people his age right in front of him.
“Sometimes I just sit and think about the wild times I had back then. Ahhh, to have your whole life in front of you…man, what I wouldn’t give, ya know, Steve?” the engineer would say two decades down the road while chatting with a coworker by the communal water cooler. “Kids these days just don’t know how good they have it.”
At press time it had been reported that the student’s plans to attend a party next weekend would function as his lone anecdote about wild college parties for the next twenty years, often being introduced into conversations by the phrase, “Man, the ragers we used to throw…”
