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Zero Dark Thirty: A Guide Because You've Literally Raised Zero Dollars for DM

You definitely didn’t mean for this to make it to this point. But this is what you get for pretending to be a good person and signing up for Dance Marathon. You “just got really swamped over the past couple of months,” and here you are, staring helplessly at your own, sad fundraising page that no one has visited. But fear not! DM is just like any massive paper you can tackle the night before (I actually have no idea, this is the first time I’ve done this. This is just how I envision my next few days going. Ha!). Here are the steps to follow:

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1) Swallow your pride and post a link to your fundraising page on your Facebook--I know, I know, it’s desperate. But you have to start somewhere. Most people did this in October. Posting it on your Facebook will not actually get you any donations. The only person nice enough to see your miserable plea and actually donate is your grandmother, but she can’t even open a laptop, let alone navigate websites and enter credit card information. No, this is primarily to build your self-confidence. Hopefully someone likes the link you posted and you can move on to the rest of this process with a little more pep in your step.

2) Start selling drugs(!!)--Damn, that was fast. I guess no one liked the link on your Facebook. Are you actually about to start selling drugs? I mean I get that a lot of people bounce that idea around half-jokingly at the start of DM fundraising, but you’re serious. You always take these kinds of things too far. It does seem kind of fun and dangerous though. Start your operation small: pot to kids on your hall, study drugs to friends with upcoming midterms. This could work if you do it right. That fucker on your hall has no idea how much weed costs. This could totally work.

3) Lose your drug investment, panic--Holy shit. You are pathetic. You can’t even sell drugs on a college campus. Oh wow, you sold adderall to your best friend. Very impressive. Too bad you didn’t make any profit and thousands of kids will die from Duchenne’s from this. Just drop out of DM, you can’t even stand up for 30 hours straight.

4) Write a handwritten letter to your grandma--She’s back! And she still can’t operate technology. Best case scenario: she reads your letter and mails a check for $25. The check arrives 6 days after DM. You probably won’t even graduate from college, in all honesty.

5) Go canning for an entire weekend--We have a winner. You better get your sincerest fake smile ready, you piece of shit. Not only will you be cold, but everyone you’re trying to get money from will also be cold, and unwilling to donate money. Was this your end game? Do you hate yourself? Do you even care about Team Joseph?

Good luck, fucker. Whatever happens, you’ve earned it.

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