You know that scene in a lot of horror movies when the attractive and racially diverse group of rambunctious friends goes to a beach house or a remote cottage near a lake and the two who have the most sexual tension decide to go off alone and go skinny dipping? And the girl maybe does a striptease and the guy maybe will say something like “you’ve got a killer body” and this is supposed to simultaneously showcase their sinful lust while foreshadowing the impending doom that they deserve as immoral sex-demons. And then the swamp monster(s)/psycho nerd they once picked on/contrived Final Destination scenario eventually kills them, maybe while they’re playing a sexy game of Marco Polo or something? Yeah, that totally won’t happen to you.
2. Attend Wrestle-pocalypse
Wrestle-pocalypse is a 1999 American drama film based on the 1996 novel of the same name by Chuck Palahniuk. The film was directed by David Fincher and stars Edward Norton, Brad Pitt, and Helena Bonham Carter. Norton plays the unnamed protagonist, an "everyman" who is discontented with his white-collar job. He forms a "fight club" with soap maker Tyler Durden, played by Pitt, and they are joined by men who also want to wrestle recreationally. The narrator becomes embroiled in a relationship with him and a dissolute woman, Marla Singer, played by Bonham Carter.
Wait, that’s definitely not right. What the hell is Wrestle-pocalypse?
3. Decorate the Arch to look like its namesake: Archie Manning
Popular themes from the past have often included throwback Saints uniforms combined with an old-timey photo filter to look like the famed quarterback in his playing days. In one classic look, the Arch was dressed to look like a father figure who is proud of his middle son, annoyed by his youngest one, and disappointed by his non-pro-football-playing oldest son who is definitely hiding feelings of crushing inadequacy behind the façade of happiness.
4. Steal a lock of Morty’s hair
This is a “no questions asked” type deal. Once you have it contact us and we will provide you with further instructions. Good luck.
5. Rush the field after a big win by the football team
6. Paint the rock
At some point in your Northwestern career, you absolutely have to take part in the time honored tradition of painting the Rock with your campus group’s best approximation at what you think Chewbacca’s penis looks like. I mean, we all have our theories, but no one seems to agree on size, shape, or location. The views expressed in recent years have ranged from the traditional “Three-Pronged Yeti-Based Model” to the more radical “What if you shave all his hair off and he just looks like a Dick Cheney G.I. Joe doll” theory. Whatever you believe, make sure at some point you champion your beliefs on the one remaining legal forum for this type of intellectual discussion (www.chewypenis.org got shut down last week).
7. Kidnap the rival school’s mascot (College, right?!?!)
Along with tossing around the ol’ Frisbee around the quad, going to a toga party, and facing off with an uptight old dean who wants to shut down the disgrace that you hooligans call a “fraternity”, kidnapping the rival school’s mascot before the big game is something that will definitely happen to you at some point during your college experience.
The closest thing we really have to a rival might be UChicago, whose mascot is the phoenix. Now, as an average Northwestern student, you’re probably thinking “I have a lot of experience picking on nerds from when I was in high school—especially the chess team that I definitely wasn’t a part of—so this is a perfect prank for me!” But wait, there’s more! Stealing the UChicago phoenix will help you to check another thing off your NU bucket list, and that thing is to...
8. Explore the steam tunnels
Everyone knows that going down into these secret passages beneath the school is risky business, but with your newly kidnapped pet phoenix (see item 7) you can explore the tunnels knowing that, just in case you are bitten by a giant snake being controlled by Lord Voldemort, you’re covered. Just show the phoenix the opening scene from Up that you just downloaded to your Samsung Galaxy Note® 10.1, “a tablet capable of keeping you simultaneously entertained and productive”, and his tears will start flowing, healing your wound like a charm! Samsung: Inspire the World, Create the Future.™
- Walter Klondike™