A Beginner's Guide to the Men of Tinder
We’ve all gotten drunk and downloaded Tinder before, then regretted it, then kept it because some male model said he thought we were hot (and also we wanted to keep harassing our friends.) During this phase of my life, which is still going on, I have discovered a couple of Tinder-Man Trends, and because I want to do my part, I will share them with you.
1. Just Abs
He isn’t showing you his head because he has truly been decapitated. The lower half of his body is actually that of a horse. Swipe right if you’re into that, I guess.
2. High School Prom Pic
“Check out my sweet cummerbund. Here’s to the glory days.” Say “yes!” if you want his mom to follow you around with her camera.
This guy paid five hundred dollars to look like he was caught off guard in an alleyway.
4. Outdoors and X-treme Sports Guy
His makeshift-bungee jumping rendered him infertile. He will suggest having sex on the back of a furious bull.
5. Here Are My Frat Friends!
You will wake up with eight of his brothers in bed with you. They will be spooning without you.
6. Surrounded by Women Who Get Paid to Be There
It’s like, we get it, you’ve been to Hooters/NASCAR/Wrestlemania.
7. Mirror Pic Man
Come on, he knows the interior of his bathroom is a real turn-on. He’s just playing the game.
8. Body Builders?
This one warrants a question mark. So many questions. Did all the body builders of the Chicago suburbs get together and decide that Tinder would be their medium of self-expression? Do they have a union? Are their penises tiny? Seriously, let me know.
9. I'm Definitely Not Between the Ages of 18 and 25
“About Me”s feature vivid memories of ‘Nam.
10. The Kid in Your Econ Class
Swipe right! We’re all using Tinder to talk to our classmates about the midterm that’s coming up, right? ...Right? Guys? What? WHAT? THAT’S WHAT TINDER IS FOR???
11. I-Love-My-Dog/Cat/Baby-Chinchilla Guy
He’s sensitive because he knows how to handle a small animal. And that animal will lick his mouth a ton before you get to it.
12. Quick Selfie Dude
This guy actually looks like he was surprised by his own selfie. He did not see his right hand coming, armed with his smart phone, and he is startled. But he figured it went well enough that someone will see it and try to meet up with him for a quickie.
13. "That's Not My Baby; That's My Niece"
In his “About Me” he makes sure to clarify that the baby that he is tenderly swaddling is not one that he fathered, nor one that he found on the street. Because he knows that as soon as we see a baby we are sure that he’s a sperm donor.
14. "Hot Match of the Day" Effect
This guy went through the trouble of making his picture say “match of the day.” Because he’s lonely. And hopes we’re dumb.
15. Grab Bag
If you’re on Tinder, don’t be surprised if you stumble upon a Grab Bag Boy. He’s unpredictable. No one knows what he’s going to do with his five pictures. He could be riding a horse that’s dressed up to look like a unicorn. He could be an Elvis impersonator taking his talents to a match-making app. Maybe he’s your uncle, you never know.