Northwestern Now: Seniors to Ignore

Meet some students from Northwestern’s class of 2017 that are barely getting by

Arch Marcher
Chris Benford stood out in high school for his talents as a young mathematician and a pretty solid debater. Since marching through the arch his freshman year, though, not much has gone on in his life worth mentioning.

"I'll probably move in back home for a few months so I can save some money and get my own place. Maybe I'll tutor for a bit."

He's considering consulting, but really, who knows?

Norris Aficionado
From her very first year at Northwestern, Aliza Vyun found Norris to be a great place to grab a cup of coffee and hang out with friends. From then on, Vyun found her passion in avoiding responsibilities while lounging around the student center and doing absolutely fucking nothing with her time. She lingers by Norbucks like a dog at a dinner table just waiting for someone to abandon their order and an employee to yell out “Anybody want a free latte?”

“I’ve gotten like, 10 free Starbucks drinks since freshman year,” Vyun bragged.

It could be a record. We don’t know. No one else is really counting.

Major Tom
Switching majors a whopping 12 times (once a quarter), Tom Higgins has sampled everything from theater to environmental engineering.

“I’m just hoping all the credits I took for my majors will add up to a major I never even thought of before. American Studies maybe?”

Luckily, with a week left in his college career, Tom has just enough time to finish a major in whatever SESP concentration he chooses.

Budding Ventriloquist
Sam Sockley is graduating with an Economics degree, but has high hopes for a different career path: ventriloquy. After getting continuously rejected from every single comedy group at Northwestern, he put his faith into the one person who would accept him, the puppet version of himself.

“I can make him sing while drinking water, it’s pretty sick,” he explained.

The majority of Sam’s act is the puppet whispering, “Don’t worry you're doing great,” into his ear.

He plans to audition for America’s Got Talent this fall.

The Nihilist
Jenny Andrews is almost positive she won’t actually be graduating, and to be frank, she doesn’t give a shit.
…
????
idk

U RA RA
Curtis Henderson has somehow managed to spend all four years of his Northwestern career as a third floor RA in Bobb. He is a tired, haggard man. Please clap loudly for him if you hear his name called at graduation.