Spanish 101 Student Hospitalized After Consuming 5 Tubs of Hellman’s Mayonnaise on Cinco de Mayo

EVANSTON, IL - This past week, Weinberg freshman Franklin Martin was admitted to North Shore Hospital following what the nurses described as,“the most confusing Cinco de Mayo-related  hospitalization we have ever seen.”

Spanish 101 gives bonus points to any student who actively participates in a Spanish cultural event, and Martin, who currently has a C+ in the class, needed that extra credit. He saw Cinco de Mayo as the perfect opportunity to make up for his failed midterm on calendar terms and conversational phrases.

“Mi profesora always said that you’d be surprised how many words originate from the Spanish language. Mayo is just so inherently Spanish, it’s crazy. Plus, Mexico has all types of sauces. ‘Salsas,’ if you will. Mayo is just one of those!” Martin explained.

Ignoring texts from friends inviting him out for “Cinco de Drinko” and “Tacos and Tiddies,” Martin instead stared down the condiment aisle at Jewel-Osco.  “I just kept reminding myself, ‘cinco means five,’” Martin explained as he reflected on his mayonnaise purchase.  “The next thing I remember is waking up in North Shore,” revealed Martin.

He found himself in a hospital room that he shared with two white men, both of whom were soaked in a mixture of sweat and tequila, sombreros still on their heads. As he watched their stomachs get pumped, Martin was sad that they had seemed to miss the entire point of the day. “That’s not what the holiday is all about,” he muttered seconds before throwing up Hellman’s into a bedpan.

Nurses reported that the only thing Martin could say for hours after his mayonnaise-induced coma was “ayudamos,” which isn’t even the right conjugation, dumbass.