Study Participation Invitation: Kellogg Offering $50 to Any Student Who Can Explain Why My Girlfriend Left Me
Researchers at the Kellogg School of Management at Northwestern University are looking for participants for a new research study examining human judgment, decision-making and why on that crisp December morning, my girlfriend packed her bags and left without a word.
The study will take approximately 30 minutes to complete. In appreciation of your participation in this project, you will be compensated with the ring I was going to propose with at our monthly tapas dinner. (Abby if you’re reading this...I still love you. Our waiter, Julius, asks about you.)
Questions evaluate various emotional responses to stimuli. For example, participants may be shown a picture of this man’s face (Abby - I shaved my balls for you. Please forgive me.)
The study also features survey-style questions, such as: “On a scale of 1 and 10, how mad would you be at this man if he accidentally came inside of you?” (ACCIDENTALLY, Abby. Please.)
Your answers will fuel research that will help future generations for years to come (In hindsight, cumming on your back was also a mistake given your crippling eczema.)
If you are interested in participating in this study, please go to https://kellogg-behavioral.sona-systems.com and sign up for Study #911. (Remember when we watched Garden State and cried together? I’ve never cried in front of a woman before.)