U.S. News & World Report Mistakenly Sends Out #12 Ranking to Johns Hopkins

BALTIMORE - The U.S News & World Report issued an apology today after mistakenly sending out a #12 ranking in their annual National Universities Ranking to Johns Hopkins University. The rankings, which were published earlier this year, urged the university to take to social media, family dinners, and run-ins with former classmates to brag about their elite place on the list. Janet Hayes, a spokesperson for the arbitrary rankings system definitive hierarchy of higher education, apologized publicly for the technical error.

“We sincerely apologize to the academic institutions affected by this mistake,” Hayes said in a statement. “This was an unacceptable error. The #12 spot is a highly competitive sought-after position, typically reserved for students rejected from their top-choice Ivy, and defensively take solace in the fact that they are ranked higher than Brown and Cornell.”

Shortly after realizing its mistake, the media company emailed the Baltimore-based private research institution, issuing a heartfelt apology. However, the emotional damage had already been inflicted. “I’d always dreamed of being a top 12 university,” Hopkins said. “So this has been pretty upsetting to me, not to mention the look of disappointment on my students’ and alumni’s faces.”

As of press time, the university was last seen emptying boxes of “We’re #12!” bumper stickers into an industrial incinerator while shedding a single tear.

Heinous thanks to reader Grant Pender for the above article idea.  xoxoxoxo