Interpretation of an NU Email: Pres. Obama to Speak on Campus

Interpretation of an NU Email: Pres. Obama to Speak on Campus


The following is an email sent out to Northwestern University students from President Morton. O Schapiro on Tuesday, Sept. 30:

I am extremely pleased to announce that President Barack Obama will come to Northwestern's campus in Evanston to deliver a speech on the economy this Thursday, Oct. 2.

Oooooh yeah, score one for Morty. You hear that, John Hopkins President Ronald J. Daniels? Enjoy your coveted number 12 spot on US News & World Report’s Best Universities list. You’ve won the battle, but I just fucking violated the rules of warfare and completely decimated you and your nothing research institute.


We're excited by the opportunity to welcome President Obama to our campus for his speech to students from the University and Northwestern's Kellogg School of Management.

You think Medilldos are creaming their pants? The most powerful man in the galactic empire is coming to my stomping grounds to whisper sweet nothings about my field of academic expertise. I’ve transcended space and fucking time to achieve perfect nirvana with the Universe.


The event will be at 1:15 p.m. Thursday in Cahn Auditorium.

Better figure out where the fuck Cahn is. 


We obviously will not be able to accommodate everyone who wishes to come,

It’s going to be an absolute shitshow watching 8,000 of you liberal fuckers try to cram into a building with a 1,000-person seating capacity where the lucky few of you left-wing, Wings Over diarrheas who make it in will undoubtedly have your view obstructed by the comically big-headed tall person seated in front of you.


so we will set up group viewing locations on campus.

You’ll watch for five minutes and then switch to Bob’s Burgers on Netflix.


Further information will be forthcoming on that as well as other details regarding President Obama’s visit.

I mean, Obama’s coming. I’m pretty sure everything else is just white noise to you frenzied fools. I could send out an email saying there’s an ebola outbreak on campus or tuition is free for the first 50 people who respond, and Obama would still overshadow that.


In addition, the speech will be live-streamed on the Web at www.whitehouse.gov. This plug just paid for a new student center.

  President Obama received an honorary doctor of laws degree from Northwestern in 2006, when he gave the University's Commencement address.

Yeah, we had the President as a commencement speaker. Did you ungrateful turds forget that? I think we’ve built up enough goodwill to give you entitled shits whatever sorry-ass commencement speaker we want for the next millennium, so stop with your whining. Oh, you wanted Tina Fey or Neil deGrasse Tyson, Class of 2015? Enjoy Commencement Speaker A Face Drawn On My Stomach So That My Belly Button Looks Like It's Talking When Squished Together.


Therefore, we are particularly pleased to have him back on campus this week. I hope you will join me in wearing your purple and welcoming the president and his staff to Northwestern on Thursday.

Let’s all put on a happy face for the President, okay? None of this talk about how the University runs itself more like a business than a place of higher education, and cares more about raising funds and lowering admission rates than it does about its students. Shhhhh, we can talk about that later.


Morton Schapiro President and Professor

That’s right, President. Morton Schapiro 2016, betches 

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