Freshman Fairly Certain Final Exams Actually Just Surprise Pizza Parties

NORTH CAMPUS—While his peers are camped out in the library, huddled over textbooks and practice problems, Weinberg freshman Daniel Hayes is taking it easy and playing FIFA in his dorm room. When asked why he is not busy studying for finals like his fellow classmates, Hayes smiled and shook his head. “Oh come on, finals are just a prank professors play on freshmen that’s perpetrated by upperclassmen.”

According to Hayes, his Econ, History, and Computer Science professors don’t really want to test the students on what they have memorized throughout the course, but rather how they have grown as individuals over the past few months. To really hammer in the lesson that grades are not nearly as important as personal relationships and self-fulfillment, Hayes said, the professors will distribute a test with exactly one question on the day of their finals. “I already know all the problems and solutions to my final exams,” Hayes confidently explained between sips of warm dorm beer. “The question is ‘What makes you happy?’ and the answer is ‘Learning to love yourself.’ And then we’ll probably have a pizza party and watch a movie in class.”

Hayes, who has never taken a final exam in college before, but has watched enough movies, read enough Internet chain letters, and had his theory affirmed by his older brother Alex to know that this sort of thing happens regularly. “Besides,” added Hayes. “It doesn’t really make sense to spend hours cramming in material that I’ll shortly soon after forget. That doesn’t seem like a very efficient method of instilling or evaluating education.”