The Slob's Guide to Personal Hygiene
Have you ever forgotten to brush your teeth for more than three days in a row? Do you believe that putting away your laundry is optional? Have you ever run out of paper towels and been forced to microwave your day-old burrito on a page of your Poli Sci syllabus? Gross. You’re a gross, lazy animal and I completely understand you- for beneath my veneer of wit and charm, I’m just like you. “But Urethra,” you say, “How could this be? You always seem to sleek and put-together.” I laugh and flirtatiously bat my naturally luscious eyelashes. I know I do, and that’s because of these tips I’m about to share with you. Then I lean in close enough that you can smell the Cool Ranch Doritos on my breath and whisper:
Figure out your minimal shower schedule
Studies have shown* that in just one month, the amount of water used by people who shower daily is equal to the amount of water a wild tiger needs to survive for a year. Let that sink in. Showering kills tigers. If tigers go extinct, what kind of rugs will millionaire playboys make love to their conquests on in front of their crackling fireplaces? BEARSKIN, like white trash? Open your eyes, people. Besides, showering daily is not only damaging on an environmental level, it’s a waste of time. Think of all those extra minutes you could spend looking through your cousin’s boyfriend’s Twitter pictures or organizing your Google calendar. Maximize efficiency by determining how long you can go until you can dab the grease off of your hair like a slice of pizza.
Stop wearing underwear
Laundry’s a pain, and it uses up all of the quarters I normally spend on temporary tattoos, which is why I’ve stopped doing laundry entirely. Everyone knows that pants and sweaters never really get dirty, and once November rolls around you can’t wear anything else or you’ll be THAT motherfucker.
What’s the only garment that you’ll always feel compelled to wash? Underwear. Cut out the middleman and let the cards fall where they may. And worry not when you get frisky- you’ll probably appear to be a more adventurous lover. “Wow, you’re a freak!” your lucky (?) paramour will gasp. Yes you are, but not for the reasons they think ;-).
You can reuse floss
Rinse and repeat isn’t just for shampooing anymore! Why waste a perfectly good piece of floss when only like 20% of the whole string even went in between your teeth? Just use it, wash off the blood (everyone bleeds when they floss, right?) and plaque build-up, set it aside for later usage, and wait for the compliments from your dental hygienist with the bad highlights to roll in.
Hop on the facial hair train
Facial hair is suuuuper trendy at the moment according to the “Keep Calm and Mustache On” t-shirt my 12 year old cousin wore to Thanksgiving dinner. With No-Shave November drawing to a close, now is the perfect time to scruff up and embrace the guy-with-a-beard lifestyle. Start wearing a lot of L.L. Bean flannels and pronouncing Bon Iver correctly. Females shouldn’t feel left out either- women don’t need to wax and tweeze their facial hair away to be successful! For inspiration, just look at Frida Kahlo- You too can become a brilliant and revolutionary artist remembered primarily for being “the unibrow lady.”
Thin layer of grime can double as sun-kissed glow
Statistically speaking, if you’re reading this article then your wintertime complexion probably hovers somewhere between mayonnaise and “skin-colored” band-aid. Luckily for you, you’re afforded innumerable advantages based on your skin tone. Unfortunately, having a natural tan isn’t one of them. Many choose to remedy this situation by paying for expensive spray tans or sitting in those scary light tubes wearing the weird eye covers. Fuck that noise- instead, allow dirt and debris to slowly accumulate on the surface of your skin, giving it a nice “earthy” pigment. When curious friends ask when your skin got that healthy brownish sheen, you’ll get to tell them confidently that it’s aaaaaall natural.
Urine is sterile
Shower in your own urine.
*No they haven’t