What's In What's Out for 2015
In this special end-of-the-year version of What’s In What’s Out, Sherman Ave will provide a guide to what’s in and what’s out for the year 2015 for those who want to be on forefront of coolness at Northwestern all year long. In:
2015 will be the Year of the Candle. A little birdy told me that Yankee Candle is looking to acquire both Google and Amazon in 2015’s first fiscal quarter. Since my sources are usually credible and correct, I think we’re going to be seeing a lot of candles next year. If you want to be ahead of the rest of the sheeple, you can order some quality Yankee Candles at their website: http://www.yankeecandle.com/
I’m not predicting a comeback for everyone’s favorite obese, child thief of hamburgers. Tragically, The Hamburglar died earlier this month. However, 2015 will surely bring its fair share of hamburger robberies, memorial murals, and tribute albums to honor the troubled artist’s career. Goodnight, sweet prince. You’re stealing hamburgers with God now.
No, I’m not talking about Shadowtroopers. Shadowtroopers are, as always, baller as fuck. I’m actually talking about the Stormtrooper you see in the opening scene of the trailer for Star Wars: The Force Awakens. Now, I’m sure there were plenty of black Stormtroopers in the original trilogy, but no one ever saw their faces. Or maybe the Star Wars universe suffers from the same patterns of racial inequality that plagues our own universe. Whatever it is, black Stormtroopers, or at least that one dude from the trailer, are going to experience huge gains in 2015.
Well, well, well, if it isn’t my old nemesis Mikey Chabs. What have you’ve been up to? Mastering complex uses of the English language? Teaching the world about the important issues of Jewish identity? Being one of the most celebrated all-around writers of a generation? Yeah, you say? Well same old, same old, I say! Did you get a monthly column in a middling university humor website? I think not! I make the rules here, Chabon. It’s not about you anymore. I better not hear a word from you in 2015, chump face!
Fact: A recent survey said that the average American prefers bus travel to air travel.
Fact: The moving walkway at most US Airports is always out of order.
Fact: Airports make 85% of their profits from Hudson News.
I got all these facts from my buddy, Ramon, who works at the airport. If you trust Ramon like I do, I suggest you stay away from the airport next year.
New York City
Billy Joel has a song (his best song, frankly) called “Miami 2017” that tells the story of some geezer who now lives in Florida telling his grandkids about an apocalypse that only destroyed New York City. Now, I’m not sure if you all are same religion as me, but my religion considers this song scripture. We’ve been waiting for the lights on Broadway to go down for years, and 2015 is the year I think that finally happens. The city that never sleeps will be no more in 2015. You heard it here first.