This Burger King Employee Just Spat In My Food And Slapped Me In The Face And I Deserved It

Last Saturday, what started as a typical night out for me turned ugly as a physical altercation broke out between a Burger King employee and myself. There I was, minding my own business, celebrating my privileged status of attending a prestigious University by being drunk and loud in a public setting. Apparently, I was unable to hear the employee calling my order over the din of me and my shithead friends yelling about Radiohead or Naruto or whatever. That’s when the night took a turn.

After several minutes of calling my order, the employee was forced to get my attention through alternative means: he marched right up to me, spat in my Bacon and Cheese Whopper, and slapped my bitch face. The slap knocked me out of my inebriated stupor into a moment of perfect clarity: I deserved this.

The physical and mental domination continued as the employee threw my food in my face, pulled my pants down, and told me my beard looks bad and patchy. NUPD officers taking a fast food break looked on passively, recognizing that I had earned this ass kicking fair and square. As the employee tossed me over his shoulder and took my to the men’s restroom for a good old fashioned swirly, I felt strangely at peace; I had finally received what was coming to me in the form of a fast food worker giving me the business in front of all my cronies. What a night!