Researchers Dismayed After Study Determines Drinking Does Make You Cooler
Last week, School of Communication researchers determined beyond a shadow of doubt that drinking does, in fact, make you cooler.
In the triple blind study carried out over several months, 30 students were dosed with various combinations of alcohol several times a day. Friends and acquaintances were polled before, during, and after the study to determine the net effect of alcohol on the participants’ social standing.
Lead researcher Samantha Grimes released a statement accompanying the paper:
“We originally sought to disprove the harmful stereotype that “drinking makes you cooler” in order to reduce peer pressure that accompanies consuming alcohol on college campuses. However, the results we found actually affirm the stereotype, and quite frankly the peer pressure is to a societal benefit. Everyone would be much cooler if they drank.
When contacted for an interview, Samantha was found manically pumping a near empty keg in her office. We were forced to flee as she rushed us with a gallon bag of wine, shouting something about “sending it”.
We spoke to one of the participants in the study, John*, to find out about his experience. He told us his life did a complete 180 after the course of the experiment. A self-described loner/nerd/board-game-enthusiast not four months ago, John said he now has so many friends he can’t even remember any of their names. “The daily doses of Skol were hard to take at first, but once the buzz set in I didn’t have a care in the world.” John’s friends who used to describe him as “that dude from math?” now call him a real chiller, someone who’s always down for a good time.
Researchers next aim to examine the harmful effects of consistent weed use for the student body. Preliminary results have shown almost complete elimination of anxiety and stress.
*Names have been changed to protect participants social standing.