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New Norris to be Named “Jergen’s Creamy Student Center” after Corporate Sponsor

New Norris to be Named “Jergen’s Creamy Student Center” after Corporate Sponsor

Less than 24 hours after the University announced that they were struggling to find a donor to name the new Student Center after, school officials have reportedly found their solution. Sources have confirmed that due to a lack of viable options, Northwestern will be taking a non-traditional route by allowing the building to be sponsored by Jergens, an American company known mainly for their skin-care products.

“We couldn’t be happier about this decision, or healthier for that matter,” said an unnamed University official, before launching into a seemingly rehearsed speech about how soft his skin had been feeling.

“We’re definitely going to have to make some adjustments to our original blueprints for the building, but the transitions should be almost as smooth as Jergen’s new Ultra Healing lotions,” the man added while he applied copious amounts of cream to his hands.

Current plans for the new Student Center certainly show that there will be some improvements. For example, the new C-store will be 30% larger than Norris’s current option. However, the C-store will exclusively offer Jergens’ products such as creams, lotions, and moisturizers. There also appears to be plans for a food court, which will feature three different Cat Shack Grills: one for the morning, one for the afternoon, and one for salads, to give students a non-cream dining option.. Surprisingly, board members maintain that the new Student Center will still have a fully-operational Starbucks, but added that through “a series of legal breakthroughs,” the name of every Starbucks product will be preceded by the word Jergens, and in order to receive their food or beverage, customers must audibly say the name when they order. For example, if you were to order a Grande Caramel Machiatto, you would have to say, “I’ll have a Grande Jergens Caramel Machiatto, please,” and then type in your 12-digit PIN code to pay with your Jergens points.

The project is set to be finished in early 2019, but construction has been halted several times due to complaints by workers that their hands were “too soft to grip the lumber.”


 

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