HEARTBREAKING: Acapella Senior JUST Realized Acapella Sucks
After devoting a large portion of his last four years to singing with the acapella group Big Treble in Little China, senior Joshua Silver just now realized that acapella sucks. Sources say that the unfortunate realization hit Silver in the middle of Big Treble’s most recent performance.
“I was in the middle of my solo,” claimed group member Ana Garrison. “Out of the corner of my eye, I noticed that all the passion had left Josh’s backup singer swaying. I mean, he couldn’t even pretend to look emotionally affected while humming the low harmony of the Demi Lovato ‘Sorry Not Sorry’ Simon and Garfunkel ‘Sound of Silence’ mashup that we’d been workshopping tirelessly for the past several months.”
An anonymous source told Sherman Ave that Silver wasn’t even enjoying himself at the show’s afterparty – historically a safe space for acapella groups to be obnoxious and awful outside of the public eye.
Silver’s sudden self-awareness marks an unprecedented upheaval of the unspoken agreement between acapella groups and acapella audiences. “All of the sudden, something just clicked,” explained Silver. “At an acapella show, nobody except the group wants to be there. Everyone in the audience also liked Pitch Perfect when it came out, but they definitely wouldn’t spend their free time watching an acapella show. They’re just there to support one of their friends, who apparently gets something out of this exhausting ordeal.” Silver’s mid-show realization marks the first time in college acapella history when a performer actually realized that this whole deal sucks shit.
“I can’t believe it took me this long to realize,” said Silver. “This whole time I thought I had found a community of like-minded music lovers. I thought we were making beautiful harmonies together and forging lifelong friendships along the way. Turns out, the entire time we were just doing annoying, shitty nonsense that everyone hates.”
“Maybe it’s not too late to start an extracurricular that people actually like, one that isn’t some super embarrassing cult,” Silver continued. “I should try improv.”