The College Woman's Guide to Contraception
There's a lot of contraception options available, but they all have their ups and downs. So let’s have a frank discussion on the best ways to stay sexually frustrated unpregnant.
Birth Control
Sure, you could go on the birth control pill, but my high school best friend Tammy went on birth control and totally stopped talking to me forever. Like, it was the hormones. We were so close. We were best friends. And then Tammy got on birth control and never spoke to me again. Dafuq!
Female Condoms
Then there’s a female condom. I mean, holding a condom inside my vagina with two hands while a throbbing sausage impales me doesn’t sound that bad, but one time Tammy made a joke about female condoms and I can’t stop crying when I think of them. And take it from the guy who caught me on the Home Depot display toilet last night, you do not want to deal with a crying me.
Abstinence
There’s also abstinence, the 100% effective method of birth control. Okay, “100 percent.” Sure. That totally makes sense. Right, JESUS? He and I were super close. Jesus and Lady Keystone. But Jesus Ezmeralda took Tammy to the prom instead of me and he totally reassured me that the two of them didn’t have sex on my stuffed animal collection. Like that white stuff was just vanilla ice cream I let my dog lick it up later.
Pull-Out
Of course, if this was the 1950s I could advise the pull out method, where basically you pull out of someone’s heart and completely disappear for eternity. Ha, Tammy uses that one all the time.
Conception Contraception Constipation
You can also try constipation! Yes, shitting all over yourself before sex will definitely make it difficult for yo man to impregnate you. If you want to know more about shitting ALL OVER SOMEONE, talk to my former best friend Tammy.
Man Condoms
Okay yea maybe you can get these for free at your campus health resource but lots of condoms have holes poked in them. It just happens. The factory messes up. You can't prove I put the holes there myself. YOU'LL NEVER PROVE IT, TAMMY.
Imagine your spawn all grown up
Do you remember middle school? Think of acne-ridden mini you stuck in that hell hole again! Think of the middle school best friends who totally ditched you in high school because yea, maybe you purposefully got them pregnant but like friends forever I could have found you a back alley medically safe abortion clinic within a fifty thousand mile radius of your home! I don’t care that Jesus almost died for your sins!
He should have known how fertile you are.
So there you have it: the most effective methods of birth control.
Hope you're enjoying your kid's birthday, Tammy.
