Get Well Soon, Trevor
Dear Mr. Siemian,
On behalf of the entire student body of Northwestern University, I send my sincerest well wishes for your poor buttocks, bruised so unforgivingly on the frigid, crunchy, (slippery) grass. Imagine our collective horror upon witnessing our hero’s beautiful behind smashed on the ground below him, limbs sprawling awry. Frankly, I think it was arrogant of Fitz to go for that last two-point conversion in full knowledge of your affinity for the ground, but we must let bygones be bygones and focus on the speedy recovery of your precious gluteus maximus.
Don’t be embarrassed. It happens to the best of us, especially under such immense pressure. Our reputation was on the line out there. We were only going to come out of that game one of two ways; as either the worst football team in the Big Ten, or the second worst football team in the Big Ten. But when we saw you slip on that dastardly dewy grass, the idea of reputation was out the window. There was but one thought racing through the minds of your devoted fans, Trevor – “Is his ass going to be okay!?!?” I was shocked, speechless, appalled. I couldn’t believe that my favorite QB had fallen, a veritable Icarus too close to the sun that was the end zone. I awaited the stretchers with bated breath. “If he can just walk off that field with his head held high,” I thought, “then we can leave this stadium with at least some quantum of dignity."
Albeit variegated and discolored, Trevor’s posterior lives on, shining bright with the purple hue of NU pride. We’re all wishing you a speedy recovery, Trevor; we know you’re going to pull through. Don’t you think for a second that we’re at all disappointed or frustrated with you – you tried your best, damn it, and that’s good enough for me. We may have been mere inches from victory, but I can assure you that absolutely no one is holding any sort of grudge against you. Winning isn’t everything, and when it comes to NU football, winning isn’t anything; that’s what really counts. After all, our sore egos will recover, but your butt is prime real estate that has been thrown from its fragile equilibrium. Rest up, buddy.
