Calling All Fans: A Pep Talk For The NU Football Season
When you step foot on campus this fall, remember that you are here for only one reason. You’re not here to pass Orgo (not gonna happen regardless), you’re not here to rage at The Keg (I’m sorry, that was WAY too soon), and you reallyyyy aren’t here to earn any sort of degree (look, I’m on a six-year plan, k?).
The reason you’re at NU is to support our football team with all the love and ratchet behavior you can muster. We all got a lot of shit for choosing Northwestern. All my friends went to Penn State, and all your friends went to Ohio State, and you, standing by the cheese, it looks like your friends went to Wisconsin. It appears that these former associates of ours do not take our football program seriously, and that can make it difficult to compare schools sometimes. Sure, we’re academically superior and probably a lot better looking. But when your Michigan friend laughs at how easy we made their Hail Mary look, it sounds wrong to say “Oh yeah? Well guess which school is breaking ground in theoretical condensed matter?!” We shall not stoop to any level lower than reminding them they will be our valets.
There’s good news though. This year we have a premier football team. Not in the sense that we might have a winning record or we dream of going to a bowl game. I’m talking about how reporters at Sports Illustrated and the LA Times have marked us as a team to take down Ohio State. I hope you understand how glorious that would be. If we beat Ohio State, people would not only know that Northwestern is NOT in Boston but society will even ask kids that go to Northeastern how they like Chicago.
The ‘Cats have an opportunity to be a powerhouse this year. We did well last year, but I want more. I want Big 10 blood. I want Nebraska on its knees, I want Wisconsin coughing up organs, and I want Michigan to get beat so bad Detroit feels sorry for them. When Ohio State’s starting wide receiver Evan Spencer goes to catch a touchdown pass in the fourth quarter I want Tyler Scott to blindside him so bad that he’ll be lucky to be a bench warmer at U of I. Then I want to see Morty nod with approval and say, “that’s my boy, I taught him that trick.”
This season we need to come together, put on purple, and go nuts at every game. Get rowdy, have a seat, take pictures for your grandma, just make sure you’re at the games. So let’s triumph over the Big 10 teams at the only thing they understand, and then let’s celebrate by binge drinking. . . . . their tears. Be proud to be Purple! GO ‘CATS!!!