Last Year’s Tour Guides to the ‘Cats of 2018: “Gotcha!”
The Northwestern tour department has finally decided to let freshmen know that their tours were all part of a sick joke.
It all started by expertly planting the seed that contained a perfect image of an Ivy League-Big 10 school. Then, they gave that special seed half a year to grow into a vast network of picture-perfect college experiences that would make senior year feel like the 8th grade. Finally, after a series of comedic calculations, the pranksters decided to allow the ‘Cats of 2018 two months to search for fabled experiences before saying “Gotcha!” All the home cooked dinners with professors, all the trips to Chicago, and all that love for the quarter-system that comes when you are done “adjusting” was just part of the unusually clever joke.
A handful of freshmen such as Donald Gilligan (Medill) remain in a state of denial. When asked to comment, he replied, “Northwestern is every bit as divine as I imagined it to be. Sure, I haven’t been to Chicago or even the Lakefill since Wildcat Welcome, but next quarter is when I come out of my shell and wholly embrace this University.”
The tour guides are still reminiscing on the best parts of the elaborate scheme. When we prompted one for her favorite moment, Jillian Dafnell had no hesitation: “Last year I gave a tour on a gorgeous spring day. One of the now-freshman in my group asked if it was always like this. I told him almost always. But I didn’t stop there. I told him how I couldn’t remember a single football game where we weren’t smiling under a beaming sun. Finally, I shrugged and began to reflect on how Evanston was like New Orleans in February every single game day.” At this point Jillian waved us off, communicating we would have to be patient for the final piece. “I told the prospect that Evanston wouldn’t be here without Wildcat football, and then recommended that if he planned on coming for a game next year he should book a hotel now.”
This complex ploy has most freshmen up in arms, and many have vowed to make a difference and live the college experience that they thought they would have. But reports say they won’t change it this weekend, or the next, because of well, what else, midterms.