Last-Minute Mother's Day Gifts from the Broke College Student
You're in college! You're broke! You don't have money to spend on a Mother's Day gift, but your older brother/sister/next-door neighbor is dishing out and you can't be the one who comes up short for Mom's special day. So just for you, you broke ass student, here are the best, most cost-effective solutions to a last-minute Mother's Day gift:
1. Photographic evidence of you attending whichever religious service you were raised with
Mom wants to think you're going to heaven or a better afterlife or whatnot, so why not let her believe it? Don't want to let on that you've been spoiled by sin and debauchery at college!
"Holy Mary Mother of God, please let Mom believe I'm still religious. Amen"
2. The results of a passed drug test
Okay, so this doesn't have to be your passed drug test. Just search the internet for a form that says "you" passed a drug test, white-out over the name with yours, and BAM––evidence that you don't smoke the herbal sin.
"No, mom, I've never done drugs. I don't even know what marinara is!"
3. A bottle of wine (or, shitty beer you stole from a frat party)
This is your way of saying, "Look, Mom! I have access to alcohol. But I'm choosing not to drink! I can control myself! I don't fall asleep with a bottle of wine every other night! No, I don't know where that smell is coming from!" Works like a charm.
"Have a glass, Mom! It's not watered down, I swear!"
4. A bloody tampon
"It's soooooo clear I'm not pregnant/I didn't get a girl pregnant/I'm gay"
Still not pregnant
5. An invitation to your dorm/sorority/fraternity/school formal!
Look, Mom wants nothing more than to spend time with you. It's just a coincidence that your romantic life is a shithole and you have no date to take!
TURN DOWN FOR WHAT?
6. A "special friend"
We all have that friend who owes us a favor...why not cash it in on Mother's day? Introduce Mom to your friend, sit back and watch the sparks fly! Don't be surprised when they get up and leave to "use the bathroom" at the same time. ;)
Cheaper than a vibrator!