A Northwestern Reference Guide
So you're going to Northwestern. You hear some terms tossed about–"SPAC," "Kresge," "Practicum"–what are those, STDs? No worries, dear child. Lady Keystone's got your back. Here I present, the ultimate Northwestern Reference Guide.
As a Northwestern student, your first real introduction to the Arch will be when they parade your class through like cattle for the lauded "March Through the Arch." It will be cold. It will be too early. You will probablly be hungover from your first college party the night before. Parents will try to take photos and you will try your best to smile, after vomiting on the closest rock. Why a rock? Because Northwestern is obsessed with them, and rocks breed like rabbits.
Blackboard was once a thing that your professors used to dish out assignments. Now it's Canvas. Don't refer to it as "African-American Board."
A large apartment complex that's too far South and is tinged faintly blue. Deceivingly named, it does not smell like a whale's uterus. Yes I am implying that I have been in a whale's uterus.
A horrible, horrible website that you will be forced to use as a form of penance for your decision to enroll in classes at famed Northwestern University. CAESAR hates you, and you will hate CAESAR. From trying to accept your financial aid, updating emergency info or even FUCKING USING THE BACK ARROW, you'll never again question why Gretchen Weiners wanted to "totally just stab Caesar!"
The thing that Blackboard was.
Counseling and Psychological Services. Not to be confused with caps the beer game.
A beer game. Not to be confused with Counseling and Psychological Services.
A restaurant in downtown Evanston, Cheesie's has delicious, overpriced food, namely gourmet grilled cheeses. But you will be drunk. And you won't see the prices. What you will see are painted images of Stephen Colbert and Willie the Wildcat holding grilled cheeses dripping through their fingers and you will order so many grilled cheeses your friends will be like, "WATCH OUT, LADY KEYSTONE. YOUR POOR CHOLESTEROL." To which you will slobber that you are a proud, sensual woman/human who needs these grilled cheeses. You will then promptly sober up in all the time it takes to actually get your fucking food, and you will question all life choices.
You don't know anger until it's the Sunday before finals week and some ass is hogging a 4-person table to themselves in core. This is for group study, DAMN YOU.
Prepare for an onslaught of photos with the caption "Is your school #Hogwarts" ha ha no it's not have you seen the other library it's literally attached to this one.
I honestly think no one actually enjoys going to The Deuce, aka The Mark II Lounge. We just all sort of keep taking Ubers into Chicago on Thursday nights because what else is there to do? Fucking knit? HA. HA. I definitely don't knit on weekend nights what are you talking about...
Side note: prepare for lost coats.
Don't let the cool kids make fun of you with this one. A dingle is not a "double" that becomes a "single" because only one person is living there. A dingle is the last poop that comes out upon defecation. So goes the popular phrase on Northwestern's campus, "Dingle-de-gook! Must read a book!"
You will dance for 30 hours and it will be extremely difficult. You will cry and hug at the end and stagger back to your dorm wondering how you made it through the last day. Then you will wake up the next morning and take a final.
I am not in McCormick, but apparently it's a thing that McCormick freshmen have to do, and despise. I think it stands for Dying To Circumcise.
I don't have anymore aspirations in life because Edzo's is now open past 4 p.m. and I can die happy.
During Welcome Week they have you go through these seminars about sexuality, mental health and diversity. They can be pretty eye opening. They can be pretty boring. But hey, my whole PA group cried together after one. So that's...good?
Ah, the fucksaw. Before our time, an NU psych professor offered an optional after-class demonstration of a woman climaxing from a "fucksaw," or a "drilldo" if you would. What can I say? #tenure. My mom almost didn't let me apply here because of that.
A poor unfortunate soul who lives in Hobart.
Hobart. The all-girls dorm. The campus horority. The Haus of Hos. I lived there my freshman year. And if there's one thing I don't think I'll ever forget about that dorm, it's the porn shrine I discovered in the basement. But hey, at least there was a picture of Jesus included amongst all the tits plastered on the walls.
Hot Cookie Bar
This place is hell. Imagine it's January. It's -10 degrees outside. The wind is smashing you from all angles because there are no walls in this godforsaken hellhole. Except hell is hot. So hell is preferable to Howard. You will have just gotten off the Red Line, waiting to transfer onto the Purple Line and get back to Evanston. 10 minutes pass by, nothing. Your fingers start to turn black. And then, suddenly, what's that? A train! Oh, blessed be, a train! Oh wait. FUCK. It's the yellow line to Skokie. WHO THE FUCK goes to Skokie?! At this point, you start to accept the possibility of death. Or more likely pay for an Uber back to campus.
A bus that will take you to Michigan Avenue for free, as long as you flash a wildcard. It doesn't have to be your wildcard, it just has to be A wildcard. *wink wink* ;) NU will issue occasional reminders saying that the shuttle is intended for university employees who need to travel between campuses. You will shove that reminder up your ass and remember how much you pay to go to school here.
When a Medilldo leaves for a quarter and pays $15,000 to do a glorified internship. Can you say "YAY"?
An inner city middle school located on Northwestern's campus.
Ah, the lakefill. The ultimate battleground for best #Spring Instagram. A place where love blooms, happiness glows, friendships form and a naked jogger once made eye contact with me while he masturbated in the bushes. But hey, I wrote about that experience for my Sherman Ave application, so what can I say? #ThanksLakefill. Your shitty wifi is redeemed by all the memories spent watching the sunrise.
Lou Malnati's. Deep Dish Pizza. Across from Willard. EAT IT.
Music Administration Building. You walk by this and hear people singing opera or playing piano. Then you feel like you're in a romcom and subsequently sink into tears because you'll never be loved.
The Medill F is a giant red bogeyman who hides under the beds of freshmen Medilldos and sucks out their souls through a straw. But only if they make a factual error in an article.
A person in Medill. More specifically, a person in Medill who is so obsessed with being in Medill that they learned the art of self-gratification from a giant dildo labeled "Medill."
A medieval stone labrynth where they keep bad students in prison cells.
Apparently it's like a SESP JR? IDK, @ClintTaurus help me out.
The El train you take to transfer to the Red Line and get into downtown Chicago. Smells like cat pee and shattered dreams.
They put "reading" in the title when they should have replaced it with "drinking."
The Rock is an American wrestler turned actor who portrayed The Scorpion King in the 2002 classic "The Mummy Returns." Northwestern students like to guard him, for some reason.
Rock the Beach
It will be cold. It will be windy. They will try to get you to dance to bad music with people you don't know, and the excessive amounts of Giordano's Pizza may in fact make it all worth it.
Don't make fun of SESP people for only getting into Northwestern for applying to SESP. They're already secretly thinking it. WE LOVE YOU, GUYS.
Well according to my co-intern this is a hotbed of illegal activity.
Shanley is a sad little hazardous shed that someone slapped next to Kellogg and then forgot about for 30 years. Despite its lacking accomodations, you will see some really impressive shows that student groups/theatre kids put on in Shanley. They're good enough to make you forget that you're sitting in a deathtrap.
Northwestern's Catholic Center. If my mom asks, I've totally been going to mass every week.
A horrible, heinous piece of garbage website that you should never read.
Yea I don't work out I think you can swim here.
Have you ever wanted to live in a glorified shoebox? Nope, me neither.
A campaign to raise 4bil that our esteemed university so wisely launched in the midst of a sexual assault scandal last year. HIGH FIVE, GUYS! #WeWill
Apparently this is also called "Wildcat Welcome." Let's just think of it as "Sit down, drank, stand up, drank, Pass out, drank, wake up, drank" week. I can't prepare you for the glorious adventure that awaits you in your first week of school, so let me just put it this way: we all wish we could live in an eternal state of Wildcat Welcome Week. And also Dillo. Always Dillo.
It's a dismal day of studying. You've been on the same packet for five hours. Morale is low. Justin Bieber's still in America. The Spanish Inquisition happened. What could possibly make things better? Honey. Barbequed. Wings. Delivered right to your nook in the library.
Also known as "World of Beer," WOB is a local watering hole that your friends with better fakes will leave you behind for.