S'well VS. Hydro Flask: The Great Water Bottle War of 2017

Spring quarter has arrived. A humid, slightly chilly “is that moisture, rain or sweat” breeze has settled over Evanston. From south campus to north campus, this breeze stirs up some feelings within NU students, turning our student body into a bunch of thirsty animals. Thirsty for darties, thirsty for summer internships, thirsty for a summer bae, thirsty for an inevitably disappointing Dillo Day lineup, but also thirsty for that sweet, sweet elixir of life we all know and love: water.

It starts with a tickle in the back of your throat. Then, as the great John Green once said, you feel it “the way you fall asleep: slowly, and then all at once.” You are parched, and the only cure is cold, fresh water from your____ bottle.  

And here is where the scenario becomes fuzzy and the true dilemma arises: Which trendy liquid container do you pick to contain your liquid?

There are only two real options: The S’well or the Hydro Flask (If you are wondering why we didn’t include Camelbacks then you need to grow up. Those straws have always seemed highly unsanitary. “But what about Nalgenes?” It’s 2017. Throw out those peeling stickers and give up on your dream of becoming a P-Wild counselor. It just isn’t in the cards honey).  

Pros for the S’well

• That slim, sexy design! This bottle has curves to spread around.  
• Colors, patterns and sorority logos galore. Want to pretend that you're drinking out of a Grecian marble column? S’well can make it happen. Oh, maybe something more natural? Well how about a 100-year-old redwood tree? Yeah, S’well can do that too.  

Drink out of textures you wouldn't touch in real life!

Pros for the Hydro Flask

• Colors! You can get a Hydro Flask in any color of the rainbow to let everyone know you are a hashtag ally.
• They have handy dandy little handles so you can carry it around like a purse or pretend you are off to mine for gold.

So many colors you can express yourself with!

Cons for the S’well

• Whenever I see anyone with a S’well water bottle, I automatically assume they are very, very weak. There is something about the S’well that attracts weakness. If you lightly tapped a S’well user on the arm, they would likely shatter into a million pieces.

The bottles are sturdy, but the owners tend to be very weak.

Cons for the Hydro Flask

• They are fucking huge. This is one clunky piece of metal folks. Sure you may be able to carry a shit ton of water, but you lose all illusion of chill with a Hydro Flask. You might as well carry around a sign that says "I am aggressive and uptight and will talk over you in class."

From "large" to "building a homemade bomb," Hydro Flasks come in all shapes and sizes.

It's a tough decision. But if we're being frank, the peace accord to solve the great water bottle wars is just La Croix. There are no cons to sparkling water cans. The carbonation really gives you an edge in the hydration game and you can litter the cans around campus to assert your dominance over nature. So get yourself a burlap sack and throw in 50 Pamplemousse La Croix's and you shall thirst no longer.