I Bet My High School Dating Career Would Have Looked Cool Too If Greta Gerwig Directed It
The Oscars are quickly approaching and everyone’s gabbing on and on about the nominated films. There’s the one about the woman who fucks the fish and then the one with the billboards and an unnecessarily long title. Of course, one shouldn’t forget a movie with Harry Styles but we all did. What’s it called again? Duncan?
A fan favorite that, for a time, had a historic 100% approval rating on Rotten Tomatoes, is Lady Bird. Lady Bird is written and directed by everyone’s favorite mumblecore queen, Greta Gerwig. The movie is truly fantastic and I paid real actual money to see it in theaters twice! I laughed, I cried and got snot all over my popcorn. It was a marvelous time.
But the movie really did get me to thinking and reflecting on my own high school dating career. I can’t help but feel a little bit jipped! How come no one told me that all I had to do to get a little bit of Academy Award buzz was, scribble down my high school dating fumbles and epic fights with my mother, and send them off to Greta to neatly package into a lovely film.
Where was Greta Gerwig when I went on a trip to the art museum with a boy and brought one of my best friends along with me? He sent a text message right after I left (I got picked up by my dad, naturally) informing me that he would have really liked it to have just been the two of us. I almost brought two friends along so he should consider himself lucky. Also, I was/am about 3 inches taller than him so it was never going anywhere to begin with.
Where was Greta’s stellar comedic timing and cutely stylized early 2000s clothing when I was stuck in a cold park watching my friends make out on the top of a children’s slide outside of an elementary school and drinking stolen vanilla whipped cream flavored vodka? I would like to go to this magical dreamland Gerwig has concocted where the high school “radical” boys who play in a band that roll their own cigarettes look like Timothee Chalamet. The ones I encountered in high school looked like they just rolled down a dirt and grease covered hill in their mother’s maternity flannels.
I just think it’s a tad bit unfair that Gerwig is getting all this fame and glory for something most of us went through. I also cried in a car after a breakup. Sure, maybe my sobbing session wasn’t set to Dave Matthews Band, but, like, definitely The Smiths. I had a reputation to uphold. Like, not only did I dance to Justin Timberlake at a bad high school party but ALSO NSYNC. Where are my awards, my accolades? Why am I not yet an indie queen?
Yeah, yeah, I get that the movie is popular and beloved because everyone can see a little piece of themselves. But basically what I am saying is that I really deserve an Oscar for my award-winning performance in High School Movie Date Part Four. I did some method acting for this role. I really got the character down with a little bit of acne and a whole lot of nerves. I went to on a movie date with a boy and we awkwardly held hands. Then afterward I had to pretend I liked Inside Llewyn Davis. Gimme that little gold man ASAP please!