University Suspects Campus-wide Illness to be Caused by Norrisvirus
A recent outbreak of strange symptoms has led University officials to suspect Norrisvirus as the culprit.
An email was sent out to students last Monday regarding a rise of seemingly linked symptoms of vomiting, weakness, and being made entirely out of concrete. After reports continued to pop-up, nurses at Searle connected the dots.
“Yeah, you see a case like this pop-up every so often,” said Martha H. McGeedle, head nurse at Searle. “Basically any time Norris needs to replace itself, it just starts infecting people until someone gets it bad enough to fill the new role. Symptoms can range from sprouting a small set of flags, to hosting Mini Courses, and even the development of various student friendly storefronts.”
“Three days ago, I started hearing weird sounds coming from my stomach,” explained Susan Greer, a Weinberg sophomore who was recently diagnosed. “At first I thought it was just the usual grumbles, but then I realized that there was a miniature worker stuck down in there. Since then, he’s multiplied, and it feels like they might be starting a US Bank soon.”
The worst case that Martha H. has seen so far is in SESP freshman, Brian Capella. Unfortunately, his illness was too severe for Sherman Ave to obtain an interview. Sources report that he has grown to the size of a large house with a totally stocked up game room in the basement. Martha H. says he still has a chance, but if signs of a fully functional SOFO office begin to show, he’s likely to end up as our new Norris Student Center.
“It’s certainly not what we expected him to gain from college,” said Eric Capella, Brian’s father, “but his other father and I trust that this is God’s calling for him. At least until they tear him down in two years to build the New Norris™.”