Northwestern Says Student Body Can Call New Student Center ‘Gary’ or ‘Sir’ If It Doesn’t Feel Comfortable Calling it Norris

After years of discussion, Northwestern officially finalized plans to replace the old Norris Student Center with a new construction that is now being dubbed ‘New Norris’. Though this development had been talked about for years, many didn’t believe it would ever happen, hoping that the school would stay with Old Norris out of kindness for the student body or “at least until the students graduate college”.

Northwestern released a brief statement saying that in an ideal world they would have been able to keep old Norris but that “it’s a very different time from when Norris was first constructed and Old Norris simply couldn’t satisfy the school’s needs anymore.” The university went on to stress that the relocation of Old Norris wasn’t the fault of the student body, but rather a result of the changing needs of the school.

Northwestern? More like, North-Constructing-My-Own-Personal-Narrative-In-The-Wake-Of-My-Parent's-Impending-Divorce-In-Order-To-Deal-With-My-Own-Unacknowledged-Childhood-Trauma!

In closing, the press release stated that the student body “does not have to call the new student center ‘Norris’ if it doesn’t want to” and that they can instead call it ‘Gary’ or ‘Sir’.

When asked to comment on the situation, Old Norris pleaded for the student body to remember that it “will always be your Norris” and stated that all students are welcome to visit the building's new location in a one-bedroom apartment in downtown Chicago.