Northwestern SafeRide Fires Via Drivers and Replaces Them With Feral Raccoons

After a quarter of pushback from the student body about the decision to fire student SafeRide drivers, the Safe Ride service will be replaced with cars and drivers from the rideshare service Furrari beginning January 1, the Division of Student Affairs announced Monday in an email to students.

The decision to use Furrari, a rideshare service that employs local vermin and trains them to operate motor vehicles, “is all about our long-term dedication to serving marginalized communities,” said Bob Timothy, Vice Director of Student Affairs. 

“Yes, we fired our student drivers who needed the money, and yes, the raccoon drivers usually claw the checks we give them into a thousand tiny pieces and then eat them, but ultimately, this is about,” Timothy said after a long pause to stare at Sharpie ink on his hand, “inclusion.”

The email, signed by Timothy, said the University is “very excited” with this new partnership. “We did not take this decision lightly and considered several factors that would save us thousands of dollars, keep us super freaking rich, and felt that this was the best way to prioritize our funds. I suppose the students will be okay, too, but in complete transparency, we couldn’t afford the vaccinated raccoon driver package and therefore can’t guarantee a rabies-free experience for everyone. Well, we technically could afford it, yes, but we booked Justin Barbin for the Student Affairs office holiday party this year, and our budget was pretty tight after that.” 

“Students often complained to us that Safe Ride didn’t have enough student drivers,” said Executive Director of Student Affairs Betty Lefkowitz, “which could potentially compromise student safety. So, by partnering with Furrari, we are able to utilize a species that gives birth to four-sex new baby drivers every two months! We’ll always have enough drivers! Plus, those little guys basically will work for free as long as they get garbage breaks on their shifts, so it was just really cost-effective for us!”

“We were also concerned about student drivers not getting enough sleep, so by replacing them with nocturnal animals, we basically solved the mental health crisis on campus,” says Bob Timothy. 

While some students are opposed to the idea of having rabid, feral, undomesticated animals as drivers, many students have warmed up to the new Furrari service.

Medill first-year Simon Fields claims that he’s really made a connection with some of the drivers. “After waiting 86 minutes for my Furrari to arrive, I found myself striking up a really great conversation with the driver that I call ‘Muffins.’ Muffins is doing a lot of side gigs like Furrari, trash collecting, and trash eating because they’re saving up money to open up their own nail salon. I just found their story so inspiring.”