Freshman Has No Idea Dog Back Home Dying

EVANSTON, Il. - Weinberg freshman Katie Johnson remains blissfully unaware of the serious deterioration of the health of her dog, Rocky. The 13-year-old Labrador is suffering from infectious canine hepatitis and will probably never get to see the girl who used to take him on walks throughout the neighborhood each day.

Johnson was unavailable for comment on the matter, just like she will be unavailable for her dog, when he needs her the most.

Susan Johnson, Katie’s mother, seemed saddened by the health state of the beloved family dog, but she made it clear that Katie was too busy at school to spend time worrying about the dog.

“Every time I talk to Katie, all she says is how busy she is,” Johnson said. “I probably shouldn’t have let it get this far. She really loves this dog, but Katie told me she just has SO much work this next week.”

Katie is currently in one of the library towers browsing on Facebook and BuzzFeed, or just doing anything that is neither studying nor calling her parents to make sure that her dog is ok.

Rocky was a gift for Katie’s seventh birthday. “We made the mistake of telling Katie that we were trying to have another baby,” Susan recalls. “But she just got so excited at the prospect of having a sibling. Katie was a very lonely child. Is any of this too personal?”

At press time, the 19-year-old Statistics major was going on with her normal life thinking absolutely nothing was wrong. Rocky’s death, which will likely come sometime in the next three days, will send Johnson into downward emotional spiral. Any optimism Johnson has been feeling with the steadily improving weather will be all for naught as a creature that she still loves and cares for leaves this Earth, never to return.

Susan Johnson is planning for a "big reveal" when her daughter gets back home. "Katie's just having so much fun," she said. "I don't want to 'bum her out' with any of this sad stuff."