President Schapiro Announces New "Blackout Thursdays" Program
EVANSTON, Il. - Following the recent “Conversations with the President” forums held by President Morton O. Schapiro, the office of the president has announced a new program, called “Blackout Thursdays,” designed to strengthen the relationship between students and administrators. The program involves administrators accompanying students to various bars and parties in order to, as the program name suggests, get blackout drunk. The idea comes after students have voiced concerns over the lack of connection and communication between themselves and the administration.
“We’ve heard the students’ complaints about the administration time and time again,” President Schapiro said in his official announcement, “and we feel that joining our students in imbibing highly dangerous amounts of alcohol will help make our commitment to them more clear.”
Vice President of Student Engagement Burgwell “Burgie” Howard, said he was also looking forward to the new initiative. “It’s difficult to get a read on students in the more formal settings where we often see them” Howard said. “That’s why this is such a great idea. We get to see students in their far more natural state of belligerent drunkenness and really get to know them on a more personal, albeit highly inebriated, level.
“I’ll tell you from experience, there’s no better way to get close with a young man than by puking with him in the women’s bathroom of some second-rate college bar. In fact, that’s how I’ve made some of the closest connections with my sons over the years.”
Student response to the initiative has been overwhelmingly positive. Sophomore Janice Hutchinson said that the programs was definitely a step in the right direction regarding student-administration relations, and that getting to see a “drunker, more human side” of some officials would help the students better understand administrators’ decisions. Junior Scott Brauerman also was keen to the idea, remarking, “FUCK YEAH!!!! MORTY IS A FUCKING BOSS!!!!! I CAN’T WAIT TO MAKE ALL THOSE BITCH-ASS PLEDGES DO BODY SHOTS OFF BURGIE!!!!! ”
“I think this is a very innovative program. Nobody else is doing anything like this currently at the University level” Schapiro said. “If this goes over well, hopefully we can soon launch the “Marijuana Mondays” we’ve been working on for a while. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got an important pregame to get to. I can’t let that fucking GEED Burgie outdrink me tonight.”