High School Bully Very Excited to Become Police Officer One Day

Following the recent events in Ferguson, Mo. and New York City, local bully Jeff Walker has become very optimistic about his career prospects as a police officer. Walker, 18, expressed strong interest in a career field in which he may continue his nonsensical acts of aggression and general shittiness towards people he views as lesser.

“It’s comforting to know that I can keep gainful employment even after committing horrible acts of injustice towards other people,” Walker said. “Before graduating high school I was worried that I might have to develop some sort of a moral compass, but instead I’ve developed a pretty strong chokehold move.”

Walker mentioned that he feels adequately prepared for a lifelong career on the police force after four years in high school during which he picked on and assaulted “funny-looking” students. “I don’t have the mental capacity to understand why people are different than I am,” he said. “This frustrates me and I like to respond to my frustrations with violence.

“The motto ‘To Serve and Protect” means a lot to me,” Walker said. “I’d like to serve the people I like and agree with, and protect the America I love: a white, heterosexual America full of wholesome folk where we don’t need to worry about minorities.”

Walker also showed mixed emotions about the recent media spotlight on police brutality across the country. “I’ve always wanted to be on TV,” he said. “But if anyone tries to take any video of me, I would definitely feel a strong urge to throw tear gas or arrest that person for unlawful assembly.”