Freshman Guide: Tips on How to Escape Dance Marathon

You’re a freshman and you made the very freshman mistake of signing up for NUDM. I’m so sorry, you have no idea what you’re getting into. You probably then spent three consecutive weekends canning because your parents wanted you to put some “effort” into your fundraising. But, because it’s been colder than the ice planet of Hoth, you’re now sick as a dig. Now, DM is closer than ever and you’re considering running away with that creepy grad student in your Spanish class who doodles your name on his notebook just so you don’t have to dance. Don’t fret, we here at Sherman Ave have your back. Obviously you don’t want to be that lazy bum who simply de-registers and then sounds like an asshole when your friends ask why you don’t care about starving children. If you’re going chicken out, you want to chicken out with some style. Here are seven solid options to get you out of the tent within the first block.

• Try twerking “for the first time” and break your hips. No one can hate you for expressing yourself in twerk form especially since Miley Cyrus is in one of the celeb videos. OH SHIT. You weren’t supposed to know that yet.
• Pop the tent. It’s as simple as it sounds: put a few safety pins in your fanny pack and just start stabbing away before the dancers enter.
• Pay your friend to stage an emotional breakdown and then be there for her. She probably doesn’t want to dance either so have her freak the fuck out when she gets some bad news from home and then be that awesome friend who leaves to take care of her. When people ask you how she’s doing the next day once NUDM is over just say, “Much better, it was a long night but she needed me you know. I’m so bummed I didn’t get to finish dancing though sighhhhh.” Classic freshman friend move.
• Pretend to choke on some food and run out of the tent searching for someone to give you the Heimlich, no one questions a person who’s not breathing. Run all the way to Searle and j chill for a few hours.
• Use your water bottle cap as a shovel and start digging a tunnel out onto the Lakefill. Beware though, this tactic is the most physically demanding and you probably should’ve started digging last October. For tips on technique just google “how to escape prison.”
• Jump on the stage, get into a dance off with the emcees, and win. They’ll kick your ass out of there before you can say #FeedDreams
• Just transfer to Indiana University or Penn Sate where it’s socially acceptable to not do dance marathon.

Once and if you make it out, please call 773-316-3050 (Yes, this is also the number to our in-house love guru but he's also our in-house escape artist) and help save the rest of us. You’re our last hope until we join the… 120 hour club.