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An Open Letter to the Northwestern Class of 2020

An Open Letter to the Northwestern Class of 2020

Well, well, well, someone is a big ole dork. They should call you Smarty Pants Stevens back at high school because you just got accepted into NORTHWESTERN!!!

WHAT TEAM?!? WILDCATS

WHAT TEAM?!? WILDCATS

Ok ok get it out of your system and NEVER SAY IT AGAIN (except for your freshman fb photo album obviously). Seriously, though, congratulations! You are Northwestern’s golden children now. You’re also probably your high school’s golden children. I don’t care that your ex got into Harvard or Stanford. They’re not going to have that healthy chip on their shoulder that makes people at Northwestern the perfect combination of smart and chill.

Now that you're part of an elite group of teenagers that gets to call beautiful Evanston, Illinois home for four amazing years, we have a few things to tell you. We told the classes of 2018 and 2019 similar things in the past which you can read but tbh they can’t hold a candle to you overachievers. Since you got into college ED, the remainder of high school is essentially irrelevant. It’s time to celebrate! Likely, you’re going to keep on the same pace that got you into NU. We highly advise you NOT to do that. Listen, no other publication is going to tell you to take it easy and bask in the glory, so we are.

Things You Should Do After Getting in ED:

  1. Test Northwestern by getting a few C’s. They’re not really going to take away your acceptance. Actually I think they took it away from one kid last year but he deserved it. He goes to Notre Dame
  2. Ask that bad boy crush of yours out and get some practice make outs in before the big hook-up showdown that is Welcome Week.
  3. Become BFFs with your college counselor because that SOB did well. Buy them a drink. Oh yeah, you should have a fake ID by now. That’s very important if you want people to think that you’ve been around the block a few times.
  4. Get into vape culture and then abandon it before September. That way you’ll have a funny story about yourself in high school. It’ll make you come off as relatable AF.
  5. Pop in to your high school gym every once in awhile and start getting in shape for Dance Marathon. You’ll thank us when you don’t die next year.
  6. Call all your uncles and cousins you avoided talking about college with during Thanksgiving and yell “GO ‘CATS BITCHEZZZZ.”* Then you should call them back and ask them for dorm supplies for Christmas.
  7. Instead of doing school work, spend all your time commenting on every post in the Facebook** class page. Then enjoy months of hundreds of notifications from your fellow kitty cats.
  8. Walk down the halls of your high school shaking your keys in everyone’s face. It’s one of those NU traditions that’s actually super uppity and classist but you’ll still do 100 times because you love this school/don’t want to seem like a bummer!

Ok ok we’ve kept you nerds away from your textbooks long enough. Please try and listen to our advice though and ignore your teachers lackluster efforts to keep you motivated. It’s time to take that victory lap and live a little. You know you’re still going to be overachiever in college so take these nine months to reacquaint yourself with Sweet Lady Party. Stop thinking about grades and start thinking about your NU start. It’ll be here sooner than you think.

With love and heinousness,

Sherman Ave

*But not in like a sexist way. In no way do we condone gendered insults. Actually, you should probably just say “GO ‘CATS, HUMAN PERSONS THAT ARE NOT GOOD” if you want to be safe about it. Still, yelling “BITCHEZZZZ” will probably sting more.

**Unless you’re really into Friendsy. Use Friendsy in that case, weirdo.

Drake and the Disillusionment of a Nation

Drake and the Disillusionment of a Nation

Student Playing Guitar in Public Really Hoping People Pay Attention

Student Playing Guitar in Public Really Hoping People Pay Attention