Sherman Ave Freshman Guide: How to Become a Campus Celebrity
What’s up Class of 2018!? Fall quarter is finally here, and I’m sure you’re all foaming at the mouth for the monstrosity that is Wildcat Welcome. Your excitement is valid - this week will be a blast. Unfortunately, once welcome week ends, the upperclassmen will all move in and you will likely realize the sobering fact that you have become marginalized within the social community at Northwestern, constantly being dismissed as just a stupid freshman (that is, until rush).
I’m sure you all want to make an impact on campus. No one likes to be just a face in the crowd. Everyone wants to be recognized and leave their mark on the community - and be remembered for something incredible. As an incoming senior, I’m ashamed to admit that the greatest contribution I’ve made to this school has been creating a mildly funny meme that got around 23 likes (no biggie) on the Northwestern Memes Page back in the late winter of 2012. Few people on campus know who I am, and I will inevitably be forgotten after not long after graduation. Don’t shed tears for ol’ Phil though, you guys will do better! Here are a few methods you can use to instantly distinguish yourselves from the pack; and, who knows, even become famous campus celebrities in no time:
Get Everyone on the Dance Floor
School spirit is infectious and there’s no quicker way to become famous than to write and record a hit song. Try to include uplifting lyrics about how awesome it is to be a Wildcat by ingeniously incorporating campus references! Also, definitely be sure to cite our sick party scene and all of the boppin’ clubs that students frequent around town. We already have a rap classic about NU, so try to delve into other genres that require a similarly minute amount of talent, like country or EDM. Produce a hit and you’ll be reeling in adulation and high-fives from other students like it’s nothing!
Make it Rain
Socioeconomic status is a big deal at Northwestern. It shouldn’t be an epiphany to you that money is power - it enhances your image and makes you desirable. Flaunting your money is by no means uncharted territory here at NU. However, living in luxury Evanston apartments and hosting eponymous parties to celebrate yourself is so over. If you really want to get noticed as a baller, try to do so using new, innovative methods. For example, you could hire 4 eunuchs to carry you around campus on a cushioned platform, while you are simultaneously being fed grapes by a naked model. An even quicker method could be to just fill a cartoonishly large sack full of your parents money and throw cash from the roof of the Kellogg building onto the peasants below-you’ll surely be flooded with friend requests within the hour!
As a Northwestern student, it can be very easy to become stylistically deindividualized as just another sheep in the herd of people wearing the same ensembles, clad with designer labels. Make yourself stand out! People love novelty, so try to stunt in something that’s completely unique to you and your personality. Try to be both fun and edgy, enough so to get your fellow ‘Cats to say something like this when they see you at a social function:
“Hey! You’re the guy who wears assless chaps everyday and body surfs on his long board to class, right?! Fuck yeah, let’s do a shot!
A little bit of peacocking never hurt nobody - just look at Lady Gaga. Go for it!
All Northwestern students have one thing in common: we’re all total nerds, and we’re proud of it! If you want to gain fame via the intellectual route, enroll in a massive lecture class and participate like crazy! Be the first to answer any question, give long-winded explanations of basic concepts to your less-knowledgeable classmates, casually cite tangentially-related information from news outlets or other readings that weren’t even assigned, correct your professor on inconsequential details, etc. Basically do anything to make it known that you’re a fucking rock star authority on the subject at hand. Even if you aren’t known by name, people will immediately recognize you as “that guy” forever!
If none of these techniques work for you, then I’m sorry to inform you that you will never become a popular campus celebrity. Just sit back and enjoy the Northwestern ride as an anonymous seat-filler and closet alcoholic!