Freshman Guide: Fainting
During your time at college, you'll likely form some of your fondest memories, memories that will last a lifetime. But for those of us who live life to the fullest, our best memories aren't even memories, but rather short periods of empty darkness and stifled brain activity. No, I'm not talking about “blacking out” (in your first few weeks you’ll realize that alcohol and its consumption is for cretins and heathens). What I'm referring to is pure, unadulterated, self-induced fainting. It's blacking out without the calories. Win-win.But a loss of consciousness doesn't mean a loss of responsibility. If you're going to faint on campus, be smart, be safe, and look good doing it. To help you get started, we’ve composed a list of our favorite spots to faint on campus. Happy fainting!
1. The Lakefill
No better way to pass the minutes/hours passed out then while soaking up some sun. Not only will you get to faint, you'll get to work on your tan while doing it. And did we mention the views? Breathtaking. Good thing your body breathes for you when you take your little brain nap! Perfect for a first time fainter, since you'll blend in with other sunbathers and fellow faintees.
2. The Rock
A classic Northwestern location and a great place to kick back and be unresponsive. Super close to all your classes, so it’s the perfect spot for a quickie. And it's get better: if you pass out for 24 hours, you automatically get to paint the rock. Or as I like to call it, the ol’ faint-n-paint. Go ‘cats!
3. Norris Game Room
The perfect place for a more mellow session of neural recession. Not only is this hotspot decked-out with couches and video games, it's also one of the most insulated places on campus. Located underground in a room with four concrete walls and no windows, you might as well shut your brain down while visiting, which should be easy due to a major lack of ventilation.
4. Shanley Pavillion
Ah yes, Northwestern’s famous black box theater. It’s small and dark, adjectives that could also be used to describe the sensation of losing consciousness. There's so much room to explore the space as you cue your body to swoon into a senseless stupor. Pull a faint off right and you could sell your motionless body as experimental theater. Looking at you, Sit & Spin! Hahahah inside joke inside joke.
5. Fraternity Quad
Absolutely joking, do not faint there. That is not a safe thing to do.
That wraps up our list. Now that you have an idea of some happenin’ places for fainters you should be feeling a little more confident. But Mufasa, why would I want to faint recreationally? Doesn’t that seem really harmful? Don't knock it till you've tried knocking yourself out! Have fun kids! Also wear a helmet.