Morty: “You Said You Wanted More Transparency, So Here’s This Clear Bag Policy!"

EVANSTON, IL- Northwestern University President Morton Schapiro announced at a press conference Monday that in response to students’ demands for more transparency from the administration, he will be instituting a clear bag policy for Ryan Field starting in 2016.“Students have been asking for more transparency for months, and we finally decided to do something about it. From now on, we will make sure that at Ryan Field, everybody can see everything in everyone’s bags: food, wallets, tampons, you name it,” said Schapiro. “Knowledge is power, especially when it comes to knowing what are in other people’s bags.”

Schapiro also clarified that this policy is in direct response to the divestment controversy of 2016. “We know how upset students are about where our money is going. In response, we are making it crystal clear we are divesting away from non-clear bags and investing in clear bags. I mean, all you need to know is right there.”

Schapiro ended his press conference by saying he was not done making Northwestern more transparent, and following the construction of the new Norris center, plans to make all buildings completely see-through by the end of 2025.