Administration Declares Northwestern A Safe Space From UChicago Students

EVANSTON, IL — Following the release of the University of Chicago’s controversial Class of 2020 acceptance letter, the NU administration announced Thursday that it has officially named the Northwestern campus a safe space from all UChicago students.

“Whenever UChicago students are around, our students feel very uncomfortable because of their negative disposition and deep-seated bitterness,” said NU President Morton Schapiro. “We just wanted to be a place in the Chicagoland area where students could feel free to express themselves without that kind of harassment or judgement.”

This announcement will hopefully assuage the concerns of Northwestern students, who have felt triggered by the presence of UChicago students ever since they first founded their campus back in 1890. “When UChicago students are around, our students feel pressured to discuss economics, hard science, and which grey-colored library they plan on pulling an all-nighter in. Sometimes, our students want to talk about parties or having fun. And they just can’t do that when UChicago students are there,” said Schapiro.

Following the press briefing and backlash to its letter, the University of Chicago clarified that its school was literally not a “safe space” because of the high rates of gun violence and muggings that occur in the area. Northwestern has not retracted its announcement.