Freshman Guide: An Exploration of Collegiate Honors

We get it. It’s been a long eighteen years living with your parents at home, unless you’re Ralph, who has no parents and lives in an orphanage (haha go to hell Ralph). You’re stoked as hell for a life of no rules, parties, and long nights working towards your collegiate honors. It’s honestly all you think of as you wait for the school year to begin. “Cum Laude” is tattooed on the inside of your skull. Well hold your horny horses compadre. If you don’t know your egregia cum laude’s from your maxima cum laude’s, then stormy waters lie ahead for you on the quest to graduate with the highest of honors. Don’t be the new dumb kid on the block on the cross-section of Dingus Street and Numbnuts Avenue. Instead, use our guide to fully comprehend Northwestern’s wide variety of graduation honors so you can make your parents proud. Unless you’re Ralph.

Here they are:

cum laude : with honor

magna cum laude : with great honor

suma cum laude : with highest honor

sumo cum laude : with great weight

magma cum laude : with burn wounds

puma cum laude : with bad taste in footwear

brum laude : with a clean floor

cum shaute : with a melody in your head that you can’t keep out

cum laudle : with great noise in bed

magnum cum laude : with large schlong

asthma cum laude : with great trouble breathing

uma cum volta : with great performance in Pulp Fiction (1994)

vrum laude : with vespa (alternative translation: with small schlong)

cum scautie : with your friend Scott

Fanta cum baude : with really good Fanta

luna cum Saudi : with an Arabian prince, under the moonlight

viva cum cuba : ¡Viva la Castro! ¡Viva la revolucion!

umpa cum lumpa : with a perfect puzzle for you

panda cum lanta : Congratulations on graduating from college, rap sensation Desiigner! We wish you nothing but the best.