Chef Brick Rayless Opens Authentic, Totally Real-Sounding “Asiana Foodville” in Norris

It is no secret that the Norris Student Center is due for an upgrade, and while the building may be staying put for a few more years due to budget concerns, the food options have received an overhaul after the move away from Sodexo. Among them is the totally real-sounding, not at all fake Asiana Foodville from newcomer Brick Rayless.

“Isn’t this exciting?” the chef exclaimed giving a tour of the proposed location. “We’re so thrilled to bring authentic Asian cuisine to Norris and I’m definitely a real person.” Rayless then adjusted his groucho Marx glasses, letting the crowd know that they were not intended to hide his true identity, just a fun little thing he likes to do, adding “I’m me, and I’m real! Olé!”

The introduction of new restaurants means the closure of various beloved spots. When asked how he intended to and fill the void of the popular authentic Mexican spot Frontera Fresco, Rayless retorted quickly.

“You want to know what I think about celebrity chef Rick Bayless, born and raised in Oklahoma City, star of the PBS series Mexico: One Plate at a Time, generic white man turned master of Mexican cuisine? I think he’s fantásico and I wish him a speedy recovery.”

Rayless was of course referring to what students and faculty are calling the most bizarre event to ever happen on Northwestern’s Campus. On Frontera’s closing day, Rick Bayless, covered head to toe in green and red salsa, reigned terror on the ground floor of Norris for 27 minutes, begging nearby students to give him another chance in a Spanish that can only be described as “midwestern parent visiting child studying abroad in Barcelona.” Bayless has taken a leave of absence from his business, and is focusing on his alma.

Students are admittedly skeptical about Rayless’ new venture, Asiana Foodville. Can truly authentic Asian cuisine really exist in Norris? Is Brick Rayless a real person, or just a lazily disguised Rick Bayless trying to restore his fragile ego and seek redemption after being cast out by the university? We might never know the answers to these questions.

But actually we do: definitely no and definitely yes.