Spanish Department Put on Probation After Reports of Hazing Newly Declared Minors

After decades of good standing with the university, the Department of Spanish and Portuguese was put on probation following allegations of hazing, according to the Office of Student Conduct. This revelation is expected to have huge implications  for the department, as well as for all others on campus. ¡Dios mio!

Many expressed shock that an incident of this nature could occur at such a prestigious university, having heard that Spanish was “one of the good minors.”  While this department has stayed out of trouble in the past years, the circulation of these accounts has called the integrity of the program into question.

 According to the report, the department instructed 30 freshman and 24 sophomores, all of whom had recently declared a minor in Spanish, to attend a mandatory meeting on the third floor of Crowe Hall. Little did they know that in the hours to come they would curse the AP credit that got them there.    

“It was awful,” one student recalled. “They got us super drunk, and made us line up and start conjugating verbs.” The professors held nothing back, going as far as throwing in verbs like haber. “We had to do past subjunctive. Fucking past subjunctive! These people are monsters.”

Students who didn’t speak loud enough when answering were taken to a separate room and forced to have an awkward 30-second conversation with that kid who sits next to them in class (the one that sounds like if trailmix tried to speak Spanish), followed by 20 minutes of complete silence.  

Going against calls for the complete disbanding of the department as a whole, the university has decided to allow it to function on probation.  They have been kicked out of Kresge and Crowe and, beginning fall quarter of 2017, will hold all classes and operations in off-campus buildings. “Probably somewhere near Gaffield” a spokesperson reported.

“Everybody told me that minors are what you make of them and don’t define you,” explained a former student in the department who defected to Linguistics. “Coming into college, I never planned on joining the minor system, but I thought it was different at Northwestern. I was wrong.”