Summer Instagram Photos Reveal Your Friend Is Actually Really Rich
Ah, summer. The sun is out, love is in the air, and Jemma has been on the Amalfi coast for three weeks. Hourly Instagram stories of charcuterie, Chanel, and champagne-soaked boat rides flood your feed. After the deep and meaningful two-week friendship you cultivated at the end of spring quarter, this new information comes as a shock. Jemma would only Doordash six or eight times a week, and she’d always talked about her humble, working-class upbringing…in the Bay Area. You’re completely blindsided.
Upon further investigation, you uncover that the Ubers Jemma Venmo requested you for were actually on her dad’s card. It really makes you question all those times she wouldn’t take The L because she was “afraid of heights.” You start to think that maybe her “unique financial aid package” of $500 a week isn’t coming from FAFSA. Her “work study” at Norbucks was actually a $38 an hour internship with Norbucks corporate that she got through “networking” (her uncle). And when she told you her family was fiscally conservative, she really meant that they’ve fiscally conserved millions of dollars of generational wealth. You can unadd her on BeReal, you can block her on Instagram, you can even change your name, flee the country, and go completely off the grid—but Jemma will find you. Through Snapchat, Tik Tok, or expensive and out of date carrier pigeon, Jemma will make sure you know every detail about her new Versace dress.
Rest assured, there are still ways to take back the narrative. The first is easy: just go on a trip yourself! Who needs life savings when you can choke on your own sweat in an un-airconditioned Parisian youth hostel, second-hand smoking a pack a day off of your bunkmate Jacqués. And even as your bank account hurdles toward zero, you can sleep happily imagining Jemma’s smile slowly fading from her face, as she scrolls angrily through your carefully airbrushed photos of chocolate croissants. Second, you can be the bigger person and find it in yourself to be happy for your friend. Spend your time appreciating the things you do have, and find yourself growing emotionally into a stronger and healthier person. Begin to recognize that true wealth comes from the love in your life, and start to put more energy into your relationships. Third, write a bitter article about her.
